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2. January 2019.

 Happy holidays!

Last year wasn't a great year for me but there is this thing or let's say a person that I have met last year and with that, I can't compare that one with any other. Last year was the one when I met William and I am so grateful for that. Unfortunately, for New Year's eve, I was alone, I could've spent it with my grandma but I passed because I wanted to spend it alone getting drunk and I didn't want anyone to see that. I got two bottles of wine for me and my sister but one of them I stashed. We drank the whole bottle of one liter and later when she left I took that secret bottle of two-liters out for me. I was angry at him. I felt sad and mad because I know he has feelings for me, I don't care what kind, I just wanted for him to admit them. For that one night, I wanted to forget about him so I drank like never before. Fifteen minutes after midnight I was in bed, so wasted that I have fallen asleep in a minute.

I know that what I am asking is maybe too much and that I am thinking about me, yes maybe I am selfish a little bit but I have my reasons. Also, I understand him. He is maybe scared to tell me, I am too scared to tell him and that's why I decided not to and now I don't know what to do. I know that I need to be patient, to wait for him to come to me but what if he doesn't. Am I supposed to do everything? I still doubt that he likes me and if he does then why he doesn't text me? Why doesn't he want to talk about it because I do? Does he still look at me as his client? I don't understand him but I want to.

I need to know what is happening between us if there is anything between us. If I start flirting with him would he be flirting back or will he shut me down? I have so many questions. Are we going to see each other again? Is he going to continue working there? If he says that we will go out for that drink will he call me? He said there is time to go out, what does that mean? I know I'm impatient but I need to know, I need to know if this is going to happen or all this flirting was for nothing. This is just not for me, dating is just not for everyone. People keep telling me to be patient. He will come to me. When? On the New Year's waiting for 2020? I am too nervous. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can feel like this every day of my life and I don't want to. I do, I do want him more than anything but if I'm in agony while I wait then it's not worth it. I don't want to be hurt by not knowing and waiting. I need to let go and when I do I know that will be hard and painful, at first.