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24. March 2019.

 It has been seven months since I started physical therapy, it has been seven months since I started coming to this coffee place to work, to write. I feel good here, free, being able to open my mind and put my thoughts and feelings down on a piece of paper or to type it on my laptop. I wouldn't say about myself that I am an open person, I can't open up to anyone, that someone has to earn my trust so I could tell them anything that is behind this thick wall. He had broken it a little, he earned my trust and I trust him completely. Sometimes when we talk I could feel from his side that he won't judge me, I just feel like he is there to listen without judgment and to be there for me. Now I would be concerned because I don't know how would he react to something that I did recently. It's nothing bad or illegal it's just something that... It's personal. Also, I don 't know how would he react to the story behind my tattoo, it's not that bad but it's kind of crazy and I'm scared that he would see me differently after. I want to tell him but I'm just scared.

I have been thinking about this guy for the past seven months, constantly. What does that tell you? You would think it's just a crush, it was at first, it was lust at first but that all changed. When I got the courage to ask him out it got easier for me later on. But then that's the problem, I kept asking him out, but it's supposed to be the other way around, I mean I'm not the guy but yet I keep acting like one. I don't know if he even wants to hang out but when I ask him if he wants it then it's "Yea, sure". Can I say yes sometimes? I'm a girl here and I thought girls are supposed to be asked not the ones to do it. I just don't like this, I am engaging in this, to go out but isn't his job to do the same? When I ask him to go for a coffee I guess he doesn't understand it, he doesn't understand what that means. When you use those 'Do you want to go out?' questions, coffee, lunch, dinner, movies, those are just excuses to spend time with that person, with that someone that you like, that you care. You want to be with them, to learn more about them, to help them open up. Asking him repeatedly for coffee he can't understand that I need him, that I want to be with him. I remember when I asked him once for coffee he said that he's busy and that we'll do it next week but then he asked me if it's something that we need to do right away in a way if it's important. Well, it is important, very, but then I said no, it's not. A thing he didn't know is that I was feeling down and that I needed him but yea, I get it, his job is important and I respect that but then again I felt so terrible that I needed him, I needed his hug but it was stupid from me to ask him for a hug. Last time when I said to Will "Let's go for coffee" we went for coffee. It was amazing and that time, those moments with him are golden. That wasn't about coffee it was a call to talk, it was more like 'I need you, I need to talk to you' moment. When I asked him out for coffee, that was literarily a cry for help but oh well. That wasn't about the coffee, it never is. I needed him that night, I needed him just to hang out, to be with him, alone, nothing else. I know I ask a lot and I get that he's busy. The thing is that I want to know if he wants me in his life. If he doesn't want to include me in his life I need to know that, I need to know so I don't get hopeful. If he doesn't want to hang out I need to hear those words, it's ok I just don't want to hold on to it because I need to move on if he doesn't want to have anything with me. So, when I go to training I'll shut my emotions, my humanity as they say in The Vampire Diaries, so I can move on without emotions, without pain and tears.

There are times when I'm excited about the gym and sometimes not so much but I still do it anyways. Today I wanted to go sometime afternoon but Will said that he can't so it was fine. I was getting ready when I got his text to come sometime afternoon, it was like he read my mind. "I was just about to ask you the same." "Great." I kind of have a feeling that I need to give up on him but I won't, I need to see if this can happen.

This thing, where I write, type, whatever it is, a book, a novel, or just a journal is something where I write my feelings about a guy, about a guy that maybe and just maybe I love. This is all about a guy who helped me realize that I can do anything I want, that I can achieve anything that I set my mind to it. He's the guy who encouraged me to be myself, to be a better version of myself, he pushed me when no one did. He was there for me, he had my back, he listened to me when I was down or needed to vent. William is a big part of my life but I just hope that he will stay in it. There is something that I wrote before, something that I also wrote in the book that I gave him as a birthday present. "Everything that happened, I believe it happened for a reason." Now I'm not so sure about it. What is the reason that I had to meet him besides the obvious? What is the reason? For us to connect, to bond, and become friends? Friends? Really? What is the real reason, I would like to know? This whole day I am upset. I am upset and sad and angry at him and his behavior. I wish he would stop. Stop being so nice to me, stop caring about me or I'll have high hopes. Later on, it was so amazing, I felt great because... Before training, we texted about something and now that I reminded him about it he said something that has excluded the woman who was with us. We were laughing but she didn't understand why because it was like an inside joke. Oh, it was the sweetest victory.