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24. November 2018.

 I woke up early this morning so I could get ready fast. Right before I was about to leave I got a text from Will saying to come at noon. Oh dear God. I don't like it when he changes at the last minute but what can I do except to accept that.

I might have broken the touch barrier but I still felt like I'm not supposed to touch him like it's inappropriate but it wasn't. If I could, I would give him a hug when he's having a bad day but I'm not sure if I can if that's something that I can do. He was next to me on the treadmill, like an inch away and as I was walking I slightly hit his hand so I touched him in a way of saying 'sorry'. He didn't mind it but he didn't even respond to it. If only I would know what I can and what I can not do with him. I mean, sometimes I want to hug him because I'm having a bad day or to hug him because he's having a bad day or a grab by the hand just to know that we're ok. We talked later about a movie that he recommended to me. It's a horror movie and I kept saying how scary it is for me because I wanted him to say that we could watch it together but no that didn't happen. That was the time when we talked about horrors, I don't think that he's a fan of the genre. I did boxing later, it's relaxing and I feel good every time I do it. That way I release the stress that I am having or if I am angry at the moment but I have to be careful not to hurt myself because I'm not a professional and I could hurt myself if I'm not careful or if I'm not doing it right. I learned it the hard way. I hurt my wrist because I didn't make my hand firm. It hurt so he helped me a little bit by not sure how to call it but he pulled it a little bit and as he took my hand to do so, he made a small blue bruise right above my pinky. It looked like a dot, the size of a wristwatch battery. I don't know why but I felt like I had something from him, something that made me think of him, I know it's weird, that's just me get used to it. I know it's a bruise but he didn't give me on purpose.

I love his smile. It's the most beautiful and hypnotic smile I have ever seen. Sometimes when he's giving me the towel, he looks at me and when he does that I feel like he touched me from the inside, the way he looks at me it feels incredible and I feel vulnerable and I'm scared of him seeing that side of me. He is special and he even doesn't know that. For me the touch of a person's palm is intimate and that's why I don't like to touch anyone else's, I feel violated, I feel like they don't respect my privacy. That doesn't apply to him. It's because I like him and I want to be touched by him I'm ok with it and that's why I love it when we touch. Usually, we do a high five but there's more to it. You see, when we do that we don't release right away we hold hands for a minute and why is that, I think that it's just an excuse to touch, I think it's a way of saying 'I want to touch you' or maybe I misread the situation. We do that almost all the time and I never let go first I wait for him to do so because if it was up to me I would never let go. I hope that he feels the same way I do. I like him, as a person, as a trainer, as an amazing guy that he is.