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11. February 2019.

 Damn, my shoulder cracked today so loud that I thought I had broken it but it just cracked and it's still ringing in my right ear. It hurts a little bit but it's ok.

These days I'm a little bit nervous because his birthday is coming up, well so is mine but I try not to think about it too much. I was thinking about what to get him, my friends told me not to get anything big just a small token of appreciation. I just couldn't think of anything but a book. I didn't know which one... what does he like to read? My mind went nuts, it was researching on its own and yet it was so exhausting. When my mind is doing research it has its perks because I found a perfect one. Now I needed to write a dedication but do I have to? I should do it but I still wanted to check with one person. I asked my aunt and she said it's a must. Damn it I was expecting that she would say that I don't have to. I didn't know what to write, my mind went blank but only because I couldn't write the only thing I wanted to, I wanted to pour my feelings but I couldn't. I didn't know what to write and I call myself a writer. I was banging my head on the wall for twenty-four hours and I just couldn't think of anything. I wanted to write something from the heart and not some quote that someone else said and I couldn't write how I feel about him because I didn't want to tell him like this. Banging my head on the wall has its perks because I finally put the words on the paper, I found the words that I want to say to him. I texted my aunt to hear her opinion, she just changed a small thing which I understood after reading it for the tenth time. So I wrote this: "Everything that happened, I believe it happened for a reason. I'm glad that I have met this sincere and persistent friend that helped me so much. Happy birthday, I wish you a lifetime of happiness and success." If the circumstances were different I would pour my heart to him.

I was happy because I wrote an amazing dedication to him and I couldn't wait to give it to him. As I was ready for the training, instead of bike I was on a treadmill for fifteen minutes. I was running but not too much because of my leg. I saw that he brought boxing gloves. 'Sure, why not, but not too hard this time' I thought to myself. He was different, I didn't know what could it be but he looked so different and then it hit me. He shaved. His beard is gone and he looks so young and so different, like a different person, he looked good. I wanted to say something but I saw that he wasn't up for talking so I did not say a thing. He was training. He was in the zone, going from one end of the gym to the other every five minutes, he looked like a busy bee. Soon after, his other client came and she was next to me on another treadmill. Because he wasn't in the mood for talking she was in a mood for arguing because he wasn't in a mood. We were silent while she talked. After my fifteen minutes, he told me to run, and then she started complaining for me because I did my minutes on the treadmill. Oh, Jesus woman, can you stop already?! I just ignored her and I was running as told. After running he called me to come to him, he put the gloves on and told me to go easy. I had enough after fifteen minutes. I joined them on the mat where we were doing abs and later arms. When doing arms I made a move that made my shoulder crack. It was so loud that I thought I broke it but I didn't. It was terrible, I was scared. "What happened?" He came to me. "It cracked." I said while I was holding my right shoulder. "Your brunt was in your shoulder, it was a wrong move. Lay down." I was on my stomach and he was checking it but there was no pain at the moment. "Rest that shoulder, don't do arms today, do lunges." "I can do that." After lunges, I did squats on that balance bubble or something, not sure what's it called. That was it for the day. When I changed I couldn't find him so I texted him on my way home. I wanted to book a massage and he said that he'll text me if he has free time.

About that dedication. If the circumstances were different and I could tell him how I feel about him, I would write something for him to think about. "Everything that happened, I believe it happened for a reason, especially you and me. In these past five months, I feel like we connected on some level. I feel like I can tell you anything and you won't judge me but you'll understand me, I just have that feeling. I also love being with you, I love the way you smile. You have a shy smile which is my favorite, you have a confident smile and then there's a smile that you have when you see me or when you listen to my stupid jokes. In a nutshell, you are the greatest guy that I have ever met. Happy birthday!" This is all true. No one understands the way I am feeling about him that's why I don't have someone to talk with about Will. He might be looking at me as a friend and that is fine but I would still think all of that. He is very smart, funny, confident which is very sexy, he's kind, gentle and he has this big, good heart. It's rare to find all of this in one guy. It's like a rare book when you find it, don't ever let go. Even if I'm just a friend I want to be there for him, I want to be in his life, I want to stay. I need him in my life, I don't want to lose him, I'm still scared. My friends are positive about this, I am too but I'm still insecure. I mean, he doesn't need me, he has a lot of friends. I'm out of tears because I'm dry, I have no tears left to cry. I thought about his birthday a lot and I want to give him a birthday kiss, not on the lips of course but I wouldn't mind and I don't think that he would mind but just to be safe I would go for the cheek.