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2. September 2019.

 I feel like I need to let him go but on the other hand, do I really have to?

This story between William and me is far from over. I hope it's not over because I think that there are unresolved things between us, I think that there are so many untold words, so many untold truths that are hidden, that are repressed, that they are finding a hard way to come out. I feel like I have to move on with my life, move one from this story of ours. I need to move on if this is not going to happen if this is just... I don't know if he's just a mistake but this mistake has turned my life around. If he's a mistake, then he is my mistake. I don't care but he's mine, I want to say that he is mine and that if we are supposed to be together, we will be one day. I always wanted to say 'he's mine', I always wished for a boyfriend where I can say to him 'you are mine and only mine'. I don't know, all of this makes me sad but somehow I feel ok.

When I left the gym I saw him at the bus stop, he was talking on the phone but no, I didn't go to him, I wanted to but also I didn't want to. I wanted to but I was telling myself 'no you don't'. I turned the other way headed home and even if I wanted to turn around just to see him I didn't. As I was going home I was thinking about all of this, how I really need to move on, maybe if I let him go, maybe I'll meet someone else, who knows. I started crying, I couldn't stop but I had to, I didn't want to people see me like this. I don't want this to end, I can't, I need him. Every time I think how I won't be seeing him anymore or if he is just not there I start crying, it's hard to think that he won't be in my life, it's hard, it's going to be hard in the beginning but I don't know if I can... do this. I just can't imagine my life without him, it pains me and then I cry but I am so tired of crying. Here we go again... tear after tear. How can I stop this? You know what pains me, what annoys me? Couples around me. They just... with all the kissing, I mean, I get it, you are in love but can you do it somewhere else? I am super annoyed but oh well, that's love. No one can understand me, how can they? It's easier to say 'You have to move on' and 'You have to forget about him' but how can I? How can I forget a person? Can you forget a person who you care too much about, who you love? Why is this love thing so difficult? Nothing is simple now.

I have a resolution: to forget about him and to find someone who actually cares about me! Finally, I woke up, something triggered this emotion but no matter what it is I am going forward. Screw him, I can find my happiness with someone else, somewhere else. I need to move to Rome.