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14. December 2018.

 It's been too long, six days is a very long time. I finally saw him today. He is still gorgeous. Today he told me something that I didn't like, something that scared me. He said that he might change his job, to be a volleyball coach. Yes, I don't like it because of me, and yes I know I am being selfish just a little bit but I understand him. I know he cares about me on some level (whatever that is) and I wish that this, he and I happen. I wish for us to get together or maybe just to try, just to see if we are good together. I know we are. I also want him to open up a little bit more, I need to know how he feels about me, I need to know what is behind those closed doors.

I told him today about my canceled trip. I don't remember how he reacted but I asked him if we could have half of the training sessions this month and he said that it's not a problem. While I was telling this he was playing with some exercise strings. Was he nervous? It is hard to tell. I can't tell anymore. It seems to me, maybe I'm not sure, that he is pulling me away. I don't know what's going on but I do want to know. I want to be included. Later he told me about some future work stuff that includes me, I'm all in. I just want to be there with him. I don't know why but I feel that attraction again. I feel like I need to be with him, close to him, helping him, anyway I can.

I was doing some exercises but I needed to stay balanced. At first, I couldn't do it I kept falling. Oh my, I saw his smile. I think he is hiding his emotions, his smiles. I don't like it when he's hiding them or when he's hiding emotions but I understand why. I hope that he'll open up soon, I would like to learn more about him.