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16. September 2019.

 Something great has happened to me today. I got the job. Me, this one right here, has gotten herself a job. Finally, I will be employed. The location is great, the salary is also great I'm not complaining but I will be working, finally. But there is something else that bothers me, there is something that concerns well... Will. If I take this job, I have to stop training with him because of the working hours. I don't like it but it is what it is and also I have to talk to him about this. I cried a little but I'm ok now. I wanted to talk to him, if not in person but over the phone. We didn't talk but we texted. I texted him how we need to talk and I said how I might not be training with him next month. He asked me what this is about and I told him about this job thing. He was supportive and he said not to worry about it and I told him that we'll talk about it on Wednesday. I guess he still doesn't understand but it's fine. He said and I quote "Now you can train by yourself." And that was in a 'you know what to do, you can do it on your own, you don't need me anymore' kind of way. He still doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that this, training, is just an excuse to see him, to be with him, to spend the freaking time with him but I'm the dummy here. I am the dummy because I care, because I care about him too damn much and because I am still trying and why am I doing that because I am a freaking dummy. How am I not supposed to care? He is such a sweetheart and all I want to do is protect him at any cost but then again isn't that guy's job, to protect girls at any cost? This time that I have with him, I appreciate it and I am very grateful for it. I can't believe that I texted him with such ease, it was like texting a friend but he is so much more than that. Oh, I don't like how he still doesn't know. I have received a suggestion to ask him out for a farewell dinner. If I do this I hope that with it could start something more, that maybe it could start a romantic relationship, the girl can only hope. He's my first love and I won't forget him but maybe he will forget me which is not fine but it's ok. Before I start working I just have to talk to him, I have to tell him before we go separate ways, I have to tell him how I feel because I just can't hold it in anymore and he needs to know so I can finally move on. I also feel that I'm going to be ok when I start working, that I will be somewhat content with my life, with myself. Now all I need is family to create one of my own. That's what I need right now, love and respect. I know that I deserve happiness but what can I do when I want him so damn much, I want him with all my heart.