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29. April 2019.

 I don't know where to start. First things first I'm just going to say that we went out for coffee and pancakes and it was... Well, let me start from the beginning.

There was something like a misunderstanding from a third party. It was like a rumor gone bad but it got cleared out. I didn't want to think that he would be the one to, well... I texted him that we need to talk but he wanted to text about it and I said that we need to talk face to face. Oh, damn that sounds serious. I was serious, I just wanted to clear a doubt. I have never been this direct, this much... I never stood up for anything in my life and especially not to a guy that I like. He forgot that we arranged training for today so I reminded him. I was feeling good, confident, and also nervous. When I saw him my heart was pumping faster and I got so nervous. He gave me training for today but then... "Also do shoulder too and then we'll go for coffee." Did I hear it right? Coffee later? He confirmed it later where to meet him so, yes that was happening. I was excited and I was a little bit faster with the training. I changed fast and got out. It was raining but thankfully this place was close. It had glass windows so I spotted him easily. I sat across him and it was weird for me at first. "How are you? What's new?" He asked me but then he went straight to the point. "So, what's up?" I was shy a little bit but then I felt ease to talk to him. It went smoothly, it was good, I loved it. So I told him the reason for this, I asked him what I needed to know and it was clear and I was wrong to doubt him, that's all I needed to know. Then, so, we talked, we were finally alone and it was amazing. We talked about everything, it was so casual, it was so natural. Later Will asked me if there's a guy in my life and I said no. "Why so?" I just didn't know what to tell him but then I said how there is someone but that won't work out and then he said how he was hitting on a girl the other day at a bar but he said how that's not him in a way of he doesn't do that. So, he's single for sure.

Oh dear god! He was talking about his book but then he was trying to get something out of me like what I think about it and I was stuck at the moment. I freaked out and I froze like fully froze, my body and my mind.

This is what happened. This blank space defines my frozen mind but then I tried to say something and not to sound like it's bad which is not but to show him that is good but also not to show how freaked I am about it. It was a bit uncomfortable for me and I wanted to change the topic. He asked me what do I think about it but I stumbled onto my own words, I wasn't thinking straight. All I could think of was how I cried and I just didn't know what to tell him. I said that it was good... I mumbled something and then I saw the look on his face so I had to change the topic fast. He saw that he saw my reaction to his book even though I didn't say what I think about it and I'm glad that he didn't push me to tell him. Will saw everything on my face. Later he remembered that I owe him pancakes so he asked me if I wanted to order now, I didn't mind it so we waited for them. After everything he wanted to pay for coffee and I was supposed to do just pancakes and so I insisted to pay everything and he let me. As we got out, the rain has stopped. He needed to go so we were saying goodbye but the way he said it, we were holding hands and I waited for him to let go which was the last second before he left.

There's something that I said while sitting in and I still can't believe that I said it and how he responded. He was thinking of changing the gym because of the lack of necessities, he wanted to find somewhere close but he's looking to be closer to us and not to him because he lives far away. I don't regret saying it, I could've shut my mouth and I'm glad that I didn't. "If you find something closer to you I wouldn't mind going there." It was in a 'wherever you go I will follow you' way. "I know you would." Oh, damn! I can't believe he said that. I don't remember if I was blushing but I know that I turned my head the other way. The talk later wasn't intense, it was still good and smooth. He's different, there's something about him but I just can't help but wonder what is it. The talk later was... I don't know how to explain it, I want to say normal but it was everything but. We don't talk about the weather or what we saw on TV, I feel like we are anything but the ordinary. Sometimes we talk about the movies that we watched but we also talk about life topics, fears, and personal problems or should I say issues. It usually is about our feelings, deep thoughts which I love talking about with him, it's refreshing. I consider myself smart and I know that he is also and I love sharing thoughts with him. That's why I like being with him and I think that it will never be boring with him.

About his book... it's good as I already said, there are good points that he said with whom I agree mostly but that other part that consists his private life and his feelings and emotions, that part is hard on me because I feel that, as I said before I feel his pain in my chest and when I was reading it for the second time, the pain that I had inside made me express it with my eyes, the pain that I was feeling, emotions were coming out from my eyes. Because I found myself in it I expressed my feelings like that. It hurt me also because he was hurting and that's why this made such an impression on me and how it has a powerful message. Anyway, I'm scared to tell him this. I'm scared that he'll understand why I'm feeling like this, that he might find out like this that I like him and how much I care about him and he would see me differently. I don't know.

There was a moment when I didn't know where to look, his eyes or his lips so I did both but that would be pretty obvious so I was looking at his eyes and while I was looking at his eyes he said something funny and I laughed but then unconsciously I bit my lip in a sexy way. Damn it! That's good but also not good. I don't know. Later that day I texted him how would I like for us to do this sometimes when he can because it feels good when I'm with him, he was grateful that I said that and he replied: "Thank you."