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14. August 2019.

 I'm starting to think that this love thing is just not my thing. Maybe it's stupid of me saying this because I'm young and I do have time to find someone, someone who's going to be there for me, always and forever. I want to think that there is someone for me but I am really starting to doubt that because if I am supposed to have someone if I am supposed to be with someone, that someone should be here by now. I don't know what is it with me that not one guy wants to date me. What is it, am I not lovable, am I ugly, because I know I'm not but it's still a question? I know I'm not the dream girl or that I have a skinny, hot body but... what is it? Do I have to drink alcohol to be seen, I really don't understand men. I just think that I am not the type of girl to have everything, maybe I am supposed to be alone and miserable until the rest of my life. Only small things can make me happy and maybe that's just enough, at least for now. Maybe I'm just not girlfriend material.

I met someone online. It doesn't matter how but unfortunately he lives in a country next door. I feel like I have a boyfriend but I know that I don't. I don't know how to explain it, I know this is not a relationship because, for a relationship you need that person next to you, you need to have the touch, you need to have closeness and right now I just feel like I'm dating a phone and I don't like it, that's why I am saying that I need to find a boyfriend in my city but that ain't happening. I love talking to him on video chat, he's a great listener and he really cares about me and thankfully we did not get to the 'love' part, we just like each other a lot. He also knows everything about Will and he's supportive of me, he supports me to go get that what I want. What is the point of this? Even though I am broken I managed to find someone who actually cares about me, who worries about me, someone who wants what's best for me, who wants to see me happy but there are factors that I don't like and I won't mention them but I know this is not happening. I keep 'dating' online, it's always me breaking up with the guy because of many reasons but the main reason is that he is not here. I don't like texting much, sue me because I'm old fashioned and that I want a guy next to me, to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me. Why do I do this online dating? I do it because I want to know what's it like when someone likes you, I want to feel loved, I want to feel wanted and needed but I just keep 'breaking up' until I find someone who's crazy about me but too bad because when they say how they have feelings for me I just immediately shut down and break up. I know it's stupid, I know it's wrong to do it but I am missing all that in the real world and unfortunately, I found that in the online world. Thankfully I never fall for a guy and I don't think that I can because I feel reserved, like I belong to someone even though it's not true. I just want to be wanted, I want to be someone's and that is tearing me up.

Moving on to a scene in the gym. "How are you?" What am I supposed to tell him? 'Oh, hi, I'm broken because of you. How are you?' "Depends." I finally responded but I didn't go into details. After training, I am supposed to go downtown by bus so I told him that so he would wait for me if he leaves before me. I have changed fast after training but I think that I missed the bus. "The bus just passed five minutes ago." He said it in a way 'You're too slow, you should be faster' but he was joking. "Then why are you still here? You have to go to work." "I couldn't leave without you." That is the sweetest thing he did and said, I felt warmth in my chest, it was like my heart melting, so that's how love feels. "Oh, c'mon, I would totally understand if you left without me." We talked like we usually do and I still can't explain the feeling when I'm with him. When the bus came we got in and sat down next to each other. There was a moment when I leaned my leg onto his, even though it was hot, I didn't want to pull it back and he also didn't mind. There I had a chance to put my hand on his leg, I had a chance to hug him, I also had a chance to touch him but I am too scared, I am too scared to do anything and then I put the blame on him, I am also to blame for not doing anything. I know that I am trying but maybe I am not trying enough. Maybe I am not trying enough because I feel that I'm not important to him, because he is sending me these signals. With everything that he is not doing and then giving me those signals, I feel hurt.