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7-8. December 2018.

 I'm crazy, that's for sure, you can't deny that. I'm just not like other girls, I know that and also I don't know where I am going with this. I'll try again.

I was kinda excited about my vacation and to relax for a change but then I started thinking, nothing good ends up when I'm thinking because I think about everything way too much and that is not healthy. Sometimes I need to take a vacation from thinking, I wish I could not think about anything for at least an hour because my brain is working twenty – four seven. It just tires me sometimes. So, I was thinking about my vacation and why I am going. I didn't have enough good arguments to leave the city, so I canceled my apartment that I previously booked. Why did I do that? I was supposed to go but I wasn't sure, I had my doubts. Don't think that I did it because of Will, I mean yes partially he is the reason but there are more reasons that I don't want to get to them. One of the reason is that I wanted to keep working out, I got hooked on it so I needed to, it relaxes me, it turns my brain off. So, there is a reason, a thing that is helping me not to think so I had to use it whenever I can. This time it was different, it was soothing. I enjoyed every minute of it.

For some unknown reason I was not in a mood to workout or anything so he saw that weird look on my face. He saw that there is no will to workout, he even seen it in my eyes. He can see that? He's looking at my eyes? Hah, I'm just kidding. Later we did something new where he helped me to do it and after we did a massage. It was the same as every other time, oily, hot, and oh my. I felt like a new woman. This time it wasn't painful, it was pure body massage and I just need to say that he has magical hands. While he was doing me he asked me about the trip. He thought I was going to ski but I told him that winter soothes me, how I love snow and beautiful places in wintertime, it's so romantic but every time I feel sad because I don't have anyone to share these romantic moments. I can't wait to tell him that I'm not going, I want to see his reaction.

I had one very embarrassing moment. We both are shy when it comes to feelings, I don't even know if or when will one of us be ready to say it out loud, admitting it one to another if there are any feelings from his side. I want to say that he has some feelings but I am not sure. I can't be like those crazy girls who think they are dating a guy but the guy doesn't even know that I'm not that kind of crazy, I'm good crazy. You'll know when you meet me. I want to think that he has some feelings but I can't know that if we are not talking about it, I'm just speculating. I want to think that he likes me more than a friend, just a little bit, just something above the friendship line but he's pulling back because of something, maybe there's something that it's pulling him to the friendship zone, I don't know that I know nothing and this is why my brain is thinking about it too much so now I'm going to stop.

Today he told me that he has a game so when I was home I googled and found the time of it and I also found a live feed on one of the sports channels on TV. I was watching it, it was interesting. I caught myself cheering for Red star, I never cheer at least not out loud. They won. After the game, I decided to congratulate him on the win. It wasn't the right choice and I'm saying it now because I felt terrible after. Stay with me, it keeps getting worse. He texted me first to ask me if the time for training is good for tomorrow and I said that it is ok. So, after two hours I texted him to congratulate him on the win and his reply was "Which one?" I was confused, I thought he was watching the game so I texted what game was on tonight and his response caught me off guard, I was terrified, mortified and super embarrassed. I was in shock and embarrassed for a full two minutes. Ok, so, he said: "Oh, I'm not a fanatic, today the girls who I coach had a game." And he sent me a smiley. Two full minutes I was freaking out so in one minute I calm down and thought of a good response. "Oh, how good are they, I'm sure they are amazing when they have a coach like you." and I added a smiley face. I had to flirt a little bit. He said thanks for the compliment and said that the kids are really good. That was the end of the humiliation, oh dear lord.