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29. July 2019.

 <Thank you, thank you for trying and I'm sorry if I'm tiresome, if I'm too much to handle, it's just that I want to spend time with you because I really like you and because you are the only one who understands me and accepts me for who I am.>

I wish I can tell him that, I wish that I have the courage to come up to him and say that face to face but I'm not that brave, I'm not the bold type. I want to be, I want to be fearless but I'm just not like that. I have so many thoughts on everything but I'm that type of girl who keeps most of it to herself. He's someone who I appreciate and respect and sometimes I just can't be that much open with him. When it comes to Will and my emotions towards him I just shut, I can't, I don't think that I am able to tell him how I feel, I want to tell him but I am so scared of rejection, I am scared of him turning me down. It would kill me. How can I ever tell him that? How can I ever tell him that I like him? I know that he would turn me down but then there is that other thing that I can't ever tell him, that l word. I want so badly to tell him but I don't think that I have a possibility, it's just not possible.

It was amazing today, he was nothing trainer like, he was teasing me like always, I kind of liked it so I went along with it. I have good news, we are going to have finally alone time, something like ten days next month. I am so happy and I just can't wait for it. Then I got to turn my flirt mode up.

I love how he sometimes turns to me and gives me a smile or a wink. It's the greatest smile ever, I melt, how can I not. By the way, how do you flirt? I don't know how to do that, I'm clueless when it comes to flirting, I only know how to be myself. Why am I asking that? Well, first off I don't know how to flirt with him, I just have no idea how and second, I am having coffee right now and there are two cute guys two tables away from me and I don't know what to do, I want for them to come to me but I just don't know how. I looked up on google how to do it but those ways are stupid, well most of them.

Because he was teasing me I saw from it that he was caring. How did I saw that? It's like there was a small window to his heart, to his soul where I could see actually the way he is and I saw an enormous and good heart, I saw a caring soul but I also saw stitches on his soul, like he was trying to fix it on his own like he wanted to go forward but he couldn't do it with a broken soul, like he had to make some changes to his life, to make amends with people around him. He tried to fix his soul on his own but there are stitches, that's something that you can't fix completely. Mine is still broken without stitches, wide open because I'm not trying to fix it because I want to show that I am broken, I am broken with life long scars that I don't want to fix because it can't be fixed. I want to go forward and I want to have a good life, the life that I deserve, to receive love because most of the time I feel like I'm not loved. I know that I am but the feeling is different. I feel like I can't be loved, I feel because I'm the way I am that no one would love me but sometimes I feel like I'm not being loved by my family, I don't know why is like that I just feel like that. I just do. I feel like there is not enough love for me, I feel like I am missing something but also I have a lot of love to give and also I feel like I am missing something.

Anything that you say in a shape of a joke is something you have meant it but also you haven't, you have meant it but that's hidden underneath. Underneath that joke, there's the truth. Everything that you say in a shape of a joke, the truth lays beneath because we are scared to confess, we are scared to say it out loud that's why we hide it.

"Is there a chance for it later?" I asked him if there is any chance for us later "For?" "For coffee?" "Oh, right. I can't today." "Maybe tonight, after work?" I was persistent, I wanted to try, I wanted to go for it. "It's going to be late." He was thinking hard. Will was being cute for a moment and then he said something that surprised me, I did not see it coming. "How about Wednesday? I'll move that guy for later and then we can go after training." "You don't have to move him because of me, don't." "I promised you a long time ago but you have to remind me." "I will." Yes! And oh my god, I do have to remind him. He has a busy schedule and I get mad for no reason, but how stupid can I be? He is busy but I think how he's avoiding me or doesn't want to go out. How selfish can I be? Wow. By the way, when we were arranging this it was so casual, like something that we do all the time. My heart is in the right place, it's filled with love and that's why I feel warmth in my chest, I only feel that when I'm around him. I feel like home, when I'm with him I feel like I am home, like somewhere where I am supposed to be.

The other day I showed a friend of mine a photo of my bruised hands, blue hands. She got scared and asked me why do I hit so hard and I said because I am angry. She said how he definitely saw my hands but he didn't want to ask. She's always asking when will this happen, is there anything between us but I can't say anything. She likes the idea of the two of us and she keeps encouraging me to make a move, she's a fan of us and she's not the only one.