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5. August 2019.

 Just like every other day, I feel good, sometimes excited to go workout but sometimes there is that thing that crashes your mood, crashes your day and you are just meh... feeling like you don't care, like you are just done, you feel drained emotionally and physically. Something happened today and I earned a bruise, a purple bruise or it was blue.

As I was leaving I got his text saying that he is moving training for a little bit later. This is actually an interesting plot twist, we are going to finally find out why he keeps moving training to five. Keep reading. I was already on my way to the gym, it was too early for me to start working out and I didn't want to go home so I decided to take a break in that restaurant where we went for the first time when we moved to this gym. I would say it was our first date but that wasn't a date even though I count it as first... anyway, I found a seat for me and I ordered coffee. While waiting for my order I was on the phone checking messages, I had my head down for five minutes and as I left my phone on the table, I lifted my head up, and right there in front of me, Will was standing with his blue gym bag. So, this is what he's been doing when he moves training, your secret is out, you are so busted. 'What are you doing here?' I was thinking and also 'I am glad to see you.' He put his back next to me and he sat down across me. Two days ago he called me on the phone and he gave me this woman that is hiring on the phone so I was answering her questions and I wrote down what I needed to do. Will asked me if I did what she told me and I have but no one has contacted me yet. I finally said what I couldn't these days, while he was on his feet next to me I opened my mouth. "Thank you for this." "Don't thank me, I'll help when I can." He was saying that in a way 'you don't have to thank me it's something that I do when I can help'. He just can't take the credit, damn it just say it 'no problem', 'thank you, you are welcome' that's how the conversation was supposed to go, it is supposed to be.... just take it and respond to it insightfully. When he said that, he was really sweet but when I looked up at his beautiful blue eyes I saw something that I didn't like. For the first time I saw it, I saw myself through his eyes and I hated what I was seeing. I hate myself now. I'm an asshole for being like this, for being good to him, for being kind to him, for being there for him and this is what I get. My eyes are swimming underwater right now, I'm a second away being an asshole again. What good is there for me to cry my emotions every day? I don't know what to say next. Am I being unrealistic if I think that we can be together? Is that something that is not possible? Why am I so emotional? Why am I so vulnerable right now? I feel like I can break easily... well, I am already broken it's just those scars, they are bleeding from the inside. Come on, make another scar, hit me again while I'm down, make me bleed. Is it so wrong to think like that? Is it really unrealistic scenario? Am I creating a movie in my head? Is this all fiction? Is he a fictional character? I wish he was, I wish I...

He was being considerate and I love that about him but then he got a phone call and I kinda eavesdrop on what he was saying. I think that it was that girl that he is dating, he was all cute and I got jealous. How am I not supposed to be jealous, he was so cute and sweet and as he was about to hang up he said 'see you tonight'. For this coffee I got it myself, I insisted. He left for the gym but I was staying behind because I was crying and I didn't want him to see me like this. I was still sitting at the restaurant picking up my pieces before I go. While at the gym, that woman came and she said something that made me cry even more. I felt terrible. I went to the bathroom to pull myself together but it was in vain, I cried twice as much. All I wanted for him is to see that I'm not ok but he's occupied with something else, with someone else. I'm not sure if he cares about me, one moment he does and in the other, he doesn't'. If I would cry in front of him I don't know if he would care at all. He has his girl, she's enough for him. A friend, that's what I'll be for him, nothing more. That's the thing that scares me the most. He'll never see me more than a friend, I may never be more than a friend and that, that's what makes me cry.