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30. September 2019.

 I don't know. Should I even say it? I don't want to, I'm embarrassed. I feel stupid but then again I succeeded, I thanked him, I hope he knows what for because my brain stopped working and it was so embarrassing for me. I don't want to tell it. I will say only this, there was touching, touching, and touching but I also gave him something. I touched him so many times and then there was this semi hug. My hand was on his back and I was so close to him. He was super sweet but I feel like I went too far. I feel like it's stupid and childish but I care about him that much not to show it.

He's a very fragile and very emotional boy, yes boy. In a way, I don't feel a thing from him. He wasn't cold but he was ... something. I don't know what else is there to say. I still feel strongly about him but I just don't feel anything from him. I'm afraid this is it.

I feel good but I have a feeling that I have to move on. I know that I am waiting for Will but what if in the meantime I start dating someone else, just to kill time while I wait. Is that wrong for me to say? If I would do that how do I do that? How do I start dating? How do I even get dates? I want to date but I just don't know where to meet guys, where to meet single guys, or how to do this dating thing because I just don't know. I don't care if I'm repeating myself but I love him, I do, he's everything I want but now I would have to go from scratch. To meet a guy, to maybe open up, to get comfortable with him and talk about anything, still, it's a maybe. Will I fall in love again? With someone else? I'm skeptical about this, about this love thing and also I'm scared. Of everything. How would he react or not or something third, I don't know, I'm scared of loving again. I'm scared of maybe loving someone else and I'm scared of not having what I want which is, oh, well... you know. I'm scared of life because you don't know what will happen to you, it's unpredictable and you can only hope, no one can know your future and that frightens me. I'm ok with being his friend but knowing that my day will end up with tears in my eyes until that day when I find someone else.