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1. February 2019.

 February is here and so far it's not good. I thought I love this month, I do because of my birthday but my birthday this year is the least favorite day. First of all, I am going to be officially twenty-eight but I don't want to be. I'm terrified of being twenty-eight it scares me and I want to cry. Second of all, there's going to be something on my birthday which would make it worse.

Will texted me this morning if I can contribute today for his last month at the gym. I texted him what he said to me so I could confirm it, so I would understand what he just told me. I told him that I can but then he started texting which I didn't understand. Texts kept coming but I threw my phone away, I just couldn't handle him after what he told me. My eyes were watery just like they are right now. I was crying but my mom is here and she can't see me like this because then she'll ask what's wrong and I just can't talk about it because everything is wrong. Today is a beautiful day and I'm just... meh. This is so hard for me I mean why? Why is this getting to me so much? It's because of William. We were supposed to be something, I want for us to be something. He's leaving but would we be still friends? Would we text each other? Will we stay in each other's lives? I was scared, I was confused and I wanted to know what will happen next, I needed to know.

I was ok when I left the house. I asked the new girl at the counter for a towel. "Hey, how are you?" I felt like Will knew how I was but he couldn't know, he didn't know me that well so at this point in our 'relationship' I could lie without him knowing. "I'm ok." Few people know me well and they can tell when I'm lying, they would know and they would ask me what's wrong, I'm glad that he's not one of them because I couldn't tell him. I can't tell Will that I got so scared of losing him and that I cried like a baby. I went to change and as I took my jacket off he called me out and as I opened the door he was standing in the middle of the hallway saying to come to the massage room when I change, he wanted to give me some big massage thing treatment which was like a treat for me, free of charge, he smiled. As I was changing I was thinking what was that about, why would he do that for me? I mean if he doesn't care about me he wouldn't be doing this. I changed fast and I got into the room, I didn't need to take off the shirt so I just lay on the table. He put the electrodes on my neck and of course I couldn't get comfortable. I didn't know why he was doing this for me and I am grateful of course. "Thank you" "No problem, we're friends." Surprisingly I was ok when he called me his friend. He wanted to leave me in total dark but I didn't want to because I would fall asleep so he left me with romantic lights. The treatment was so good but soon enough I got bored. While on the treatment I started thinking about that thing and so I got tears in my eyes again so I wiped my eyes fast before he sees them. I was thinking about the birthday, his and mine and then there were waterworks again. I'm still processing. This month will pass so fast, I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can with him. After the therapy, I went for a bike but I wasn't supposed to do boxing because of the treatment that I just had. When I was passing through the hall leaving the gym I saw him and he saw me but I just didn't want to say bye to him, I wanted to give him space and I felt like I don't want to say bye to him, I don't want to.