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27. May 2019.

  It was way too much, too long without him and I was just... My heart was beating fast and my blood pressure was a bit elevated. I couldn't wait another minute without seeing him, without hugging him. I wanted to hug him so badly, I missed him so much. This was just two weeks, thankfully it wasn't a month because I don't know how would I make it through. I would run into his arms but now it would be just inappropriate. He was at the computer when I got in and as soon as I lay my eyes on him my face was lit, I was so happy to finally see him. We haven't talked a lot, he was all business and I respected that. But I missed him like crazy and I didn't get anything, not a hug. Nothing? Was I supposed to say something first? Was I supposed to say 'I missed you a lot so can I have at least a hug?' Before we started with the training I told him to go easy today, he knew what was that about but he asked me anyways. "Is it that day in the month?" I just nodded.

That day right before my trip, I forgot my tennis ball after training and I asked him if he can hold on to it and now after today's training I asked him to bring me for the next time he said that he was caring it with him the whole trip so he dove in into his bag to find it. "Here" "Thank you." 'Lucky bastard' I whispered referring to the lucky ball.

I want to say something, something that bothers me. When I was going home after training my mood changed. I felt weird, I still do. I feel sad but I know it's just a phase and that I will be ok tomorrow. I just need to rest and not to think about this too much like I usually do. I am feeling weird because of him... it's stupid, I know. Everything I say or think it's stupid, nothing I say is smart it's just stupid. Fine. Either way, I thought because he didn't make a big deal, he didn't greet me with a hug like he usually does with others when they come from a trip. Yea, I get it, I'm not that important. It's been two freaking weeks and I don't get anything, not a hug? Fine. I get it. What a great guy you are, I'm saying to myself sarcastically. Ok, so, why am I doing this, why am I like this? Let me tell you. Because I feel like he doesn't want this, whatever this is to make it on the right path. If he doesn't want this I can't force it. I just don't understand what was all this if he's not interested in any way. If he doesn't want to be friends either then what was the point of all this, of all that happened? Is he a player? Was I right the whole time? Was I just another project to conquer? Then what the hell was all of this because I don't need this anymore. He fixed me and I don't need him anymore, I can quit now. I'm just frustrated. I wish for something, something to happen, just a small thing, nothing else. I just... my heart is just ... and my emotions are... I don't know what to say anymore.