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27. July 2019.

 It's different. Today is different. You need to put a cowbell around my neck and a sign that is telling on which state I am being, what mood is on. This mood change is insane, today I am feeling great, this is driving me crazy.

I'm going crazy in the house so I leave when I feel that I am ready. I started on my own, I know what I need to do. When he got there and saw me working out he did silent applause and I just smiled. I don't know, it was different today. After some time Will was telling me how he can make time for a coffee after training for only twenty minutes. I was telling him how he doesn't have to because of that short time and I didn't want for him to be in that position where he needs to run, to rush so I told him how if it's just twenty minutes that we can do it some other time when he has more time but he really wanted. When I told him that I worked out on my own yesterday at first he was pleased, impressed but then he was saying how I don't need him anymore, of course, he was joking, but the joke is on him because I always need him, I just feel remorse about him not knowing, I wish he could know how much I need him but if I tell him he wouldn't understand. Later I did something that I am not sure if he noticed... while he was stretching my back and as he was holding my hands over my head, my hands were hurting because he was squeezing my bruise but I didn't say anything, he was holding my hands like that and then I squeezed his hand showing him with that move that I need him because I don't have any other way to show him. I can't just grab his hand while talk or during our walk. When I was about to go change I said how I will be fast and he said how he has to go, he can't make it now. I wasn't disappointed because I knew that would happen but then he was saying how we can do it on Monday. I love how he is trying, how he is finally making an effort, I love it, I feel like he really wanted to be with me like maybe he misses me, maybe he needs me.

I changed fast and as I looked in the mirror I was thinking about how I look cute. I got out and I still wanted to talk to him even if it's for five minutes, so I waited for him. This time we talked for ten minutes but those ten minutes felt like twenty because it felt like time has stopped and it was just us, it was just that moment for us where we were talking and I was so relaxed and being myself and it was just... can I say magical? It's a wrong word I know but what can I say? Time has stopped and it was so beautiful until the bus came. God, I love our talks. I never think ahead I just say what I want, what I mean to say 'cause why should I think ahead, I don't have to think about what I can or cannot say, it's Will. I trust him completely, I trust him with my life. While I was talking, for some reason I was shivering but I was talking like... I don't know. I know him for a long time and talking to him is not strange, it's good, it's liberating. We talked about, well about something private where we are understanding each other and I love how we connect like that, how we connect on those serious topics, about life, about our life, I mean about our independent lives. He is the only thing in my life that is good, that I just can't lose and he is the only thing that makes me get out of my bed every morning, the only thing that makes me happy and I am grateful for. I saw the bus coming and I haven't thought about it I just grabbed his arm and told him that is coming, it was a reason to touch him but then when he was leaving I did it again. I wanted to hug him but I'm just too shy to do it. I thought of saying how I need something and then just do it, just hug him and see how would he react to it but I'm too scared. There is so much fear inside for so many things that I don't know how to deal with them, I don't know how to fight them, I don't know how to overcome fear because I don't want to be scared every time I want to hug him. I don't want to be scared of what he'll think of me, I don't care, let him think whatever he wants. When it comes to William, I am scared of so many things. Thinking about what he would say or think if I do this or maybe I'll embarrass myself in front of him or say something that I am not supposed to say. That is the biggest fear, telling Will because he needs to know but then I don't want him to know because I'm not ready yet.

I don't know how to be close to someone, I've never been close to someone, physically and emotionally where I am close with him only emotionally. Physically, it's just, I don't think that we are going to be, I want to but I don't think so. I feel like he wants to but I also think that he is scared of being that much close to me. I think he does care about me but in his own way, not like I want him to be.