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7. July 2019.

 I think my mind is blank, I don't know what else to say, I seriously don't know if there's anything left to say. I don't know why but I thought that it would be different today, I don't know how it would be any different considering. He's getting colder, not so much interested and I don't know what else to do. I love him, I do but I can't function like this. Every other day I feel broken and I spend those days with teary eyes and red rings around them. I know that I am torturing myself by not telling him how I feel but I don't know if I am ready to do that, I don't know if I am ready for another rejection which this time would be super painful and I just can't deal with it now, I am so not ready to hear those words from him. I heard them in my head, isn't that enough? I hate how I feel. I am scared of crying in front of him, if he would say those words I am afraid of being heartbroken, I am afraid of getting all emotional, and then I would start crying. I don't want him to see me like this but, if he does then he would see how much he means to me, he would see how much it pains me, he would see the way I truly feel about him and then what, there is no going back. Oh, this is just not worth it. I don't know why am I being like this over one guy, one guy? Really? There are so much more guys, there must be guys that would like me for me, that would like to date me, go out with me, make me swoon with sweetness. There are Italian guys. I could move to Rome, finally and maybe I would find an Italian guy who would like me and treat me right. Maybe, just maybe. I can still fantasize. There is always that first love, that first guy that you fell in love with, your first boyfriend, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are the same person. Even if you fall in love it doesn't mean that he likes you back. Now I am ruining everything with one mistake. Mistake? Is this a mistake? Is William a mistake? Well, I'm hurting and I feel that love is not supposed to hurt especially your first love. Can a tear erase everything? Can one tear help me to forget him? Should I just forget him? I know that I said how everything happens for a reason, what is the reason for this? I want to forget him, I want to forget that I ever liked him, I want to forget that I ever loved him, I want for this pain to go away, I want not to cry every day, I want not to think about him, I want to stop thinking about him. How can I stop thinking about him? How can I? He's my world, he's my everything, how can I ever forget him? How can I ever forget that smile, how can I ever forget that voice but most of all how can I forget that touch, that hypnotic touch. How can this tear help me at all? It can't but it's there to remind me how... how much I love that guy, that guy over there who's smile can heal my heartache, it can heal my wounds, it can turn my frown into a smile and his hug can do so much more, I bet it can, I don't know I never had those. Crying is just a reminder of how much I, how much we are in pain. It's self-defense, it's a mechanism when we are hurting, our body is programmed like that, it is programmed to fight back the pain with tears. We are also programmed to love but every person that we love, it's all kinds of different love but the sweetest love is loving a sibling. That love is endless and it's the best one. Looking for romantic love is always hard and for your whole life you are looking for that one, for that one whom you'll have for the rest of your life but is that real? Getting old with that special someone is rare because there are so many marriages that end in divorce, that's real life.