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26. July 2019.

 It wasn't that great. Do you know what I hate the most? Cancelation or cancelation at the very last minute, well he hates that too but he still does that. Ok, hate is the strong word so I won't use it. Let's try with I don't like. You know what else I don't like, when he's cold with me when he ignores me sometimes and that hurts. I don't like when he neglects me, it's like he doesn't want to talk to me like he's done with me. I guess he was never interested in me.

I was checking on our agreement for coffee and as soon as I saw that he's typing long I knew it then, I knew that it's not happening. I tried to be strong, I tried not to care but how can I not if he keeps canceling on me, if he keeps doing this, it's natural that I am hurt and still that is on me, that is on me because I let him hurt me like this. I have to learn this one thing, first of all, he is a man of his words but the thing is that he makes the promise which he doesn't do it right away, he keeps the promise but, don't hold your breath, he'll do it when he can. That's just him, I mean that's the way he is with me. Second thing is that he keeps canceling whenever he likes. It's this thing that he does, if I have something for tomorrow I have to cancel because Will said how that's when he can and that's what bothers me the most, he never thinks if I can, I just really, really, h... khm don't like. He replied with "Sorry, I can't". It's not about the damn coffee, it's not about the date or anything it's about that I have been down, that I haven't been good lately and I needed him to be there for me, I needed him to talk to me so I would feel safe, so I would feel like... like I am ok. I needed to feel good, I was so down and I needed him, mostly I needed his hug but I never got that. I was thinking about how I don't have someone to talk to. I can't talk to my sister, not right now, I can't talk to my mother, she just wouldn't understand and my friends, well... we are not that close, so when you think about it I don't have anyone to talk to. After this cancelation I am thinking how he actually doesn't care about me at all, I mean I need him, do I have to say it? Maybe I do. Remember last week when he asked me if it's important to meet and I said no, well, it is now. I need to know... ugh, it's nothing. The other thing that made me cry is that I already told him how I feel about him, in my head and it just ends up great. I have so many scenarios and not one is ending the way I want but every scenario is ending with me broken and in tears. This, me feeling sad, this sadness turned into anger and disappointment. I was so mad that I needed something to hit, I needed something to punch. Anyway, I went to the gym myself, I don't need him. I did my usual training and in the end, I was punching the bag. I was punching it with my bare hands and why I did that? Because life is just like that, it doesn't have protection, you don't have protection in your life, life hits you hard and you try to fight it hard as you can. Life is hard, it's painful, it gives you scars from your falls, it's just the way it is and why should I have protection for my hands? The pain in me is killing me, and I want that pain to be visible, I want to show it, I needed for people to see how much I am hurting, I needed to do that. I know that I'm not the only one who's hurting and that we hide it very well but I don't want to hide it, why should I? Let me show you how much I am hurting daily. Here. I hit hard, one hand is peeled out and red and the other is bruised, swollen and blue. I hope he noticed, I wouldn't tell him what happened anyway. This, my hands are the reflection of how I feel inside but I feel so much better now and in a way, I love my bruise, I feel like a badass. I am still angry. I am angry because I need him is that so wrong? Am I asking for much? Please tell me, am I? I'm so angry that I wanted to text him 'I need you, I'm scared and you are the only one I want to be with right now' but of course I didn't do that.