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13. September 2019.

 Is it good that you have built some kind of relationship with a person that you met within a year? Or do you need more or less to do so? Our relationship grows every day but there is also something that we are missing, we are missing closeness. I just wish that we could talk more, to learn more about each other.

Will caught me off guard, he was ready to listen. He stood there, right in front of me and lowered the head so he can hear me better. My brain stopped working, I didn't know how to start and I have no idea how I even started. It wasn't terrible, it felt natural. I wasn't nervous but I felt pressured in a way of 'just say it already' but my brain stopped and I felt like it crashed, you know when your phone crashes because of the viruses or something, just like that. My brain crashed for like a minute but then I started talking. He's busy these days and I made him clear that I know that and that I understand and that I am not pushing him and I would like to take him out to dinner. I still can't believe I said that and I thought that the outcome would go terrible but it went well. I thought that he would be more surprised to hear this, especially from me, he looked like he was expecting this, he was good, he was nice. He lifted his head and he said it. I'm glad what he said, I wasn't expecting that reaction but I loved it. I'm happy I did it, I'm proud of myself that I did it, it's a big step forward for me. Oh, right, his answer, I won't say it what was it but I'll just say that he didn't say no.

In a week it's going to be a year of training. This is great, I've never been so dedicated to something especially training, I never thought that I would reach a year. He had gotten under my skin, he understands me and his motivation and belief in me have gotten me to believe in myself, he helped me find my strength and also my confidence has gotten higher. I believe that I can ask him out and I did. This is not a small thing, this is a victory for me and it's all because of him and I am so proud of myself but I am scared of telling him all that because I know what he would say, I just know him. He would say how it is not because of him that I made it, how it is all me, and how I finally believed in myself and how he didn't do anything. Yes, that's all true but Will made that happen, Will is the reason I became a better version of myself and I know that he won't take credit, he's just like that, he's so modest. I would do the same I would never take credit for being myself. I feel that we are perfect for each other and that he might hold back for some reason.

Oh, dear. I said something right before we were saying bye. As we were holding hands like always and we were about to go I said something like 'love you' but it wasn't 'love you' it was 'kisses' in a way I want to kiss you, but I said it quietly and I am so hoping that he didn't hear it, I think he did and I am freaking out.