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19. July 2019.

 I'm confused and just... someone once said "Everything went to hell", I do not deny it. Nothing is easy now, there is no simplicity or am I wrong? Please, do tell. If you are, for example, asking a guy out, it doesn't matter to what, now it's questionable whether it's a date or not. If it's a date, should you expect a kiss later or is it just a friendly hang out. Today you don't know whether it's a date or not until someone uses a word buddy, pal, or friend. I hate that, I hate that word.

So, if I ask a guy out for drinks, is that a date, it sounds like one but... I'm too confused, I can't think anymore. I don't know what else to do. I am impatient but I am trying, I am trying my best.

I had that feeling of lust again. I don't even know what triggers it. The other day I was so full of adrenaline and I think I was affected by him. I don't know what happened but I was attracted by him so much that I barely managed to fight it, to control it. I want to kiss him so badly that every time I closed my eyes he is close to me, his lips are close to me, they are ready for me to kiss them, they are ready to be mine. I wanted him, I wanted every part of his body on mine. I wanted to be on top of him, I wanted him to want me. Now, I still want to kiss him but I don't have that strong urge to do so. I love everything about him, every little thing.

He was touchy today, I didn't mind. When he greeted me he was holding my hand and I didn't want to let go, I haven't let go. We were holding for a long time and I waited for him to let go. I don't know what to think anymore. I know that he loves his job and I am not asking for him to quit or anything like that I am just asking for some time for just us but I guess I am asking for too much. If he really likes me he should act on it because I won't be off the market forever. If you want something, take action, take it, make it yours. I am trying, I am doing something unlike him.