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3. April 2019.

 First things first, I was meeting someone the other day and I wanted to tell Will that, to tell him that I survived the meeting because I don't really... that person is just... it's too stressful for me. I texted him to tell him that, to share with him because I know that I can count on him, I know that he has my back, and of course, that applies to him too. God, I am terrible at this. Yesterday I texted him something but ugh you got to see it yourself.

"Send me a couple of pages when you can, so we can talk about it over a coffee and see what could we do for a cover photo." Do you see this? I am terrible. I am pushy and I hate that about myself. I know that I want all of this to happen right here right now but I got to give it time. I am so impatient I seriously hate that. I have to relax a little, I have to distance myself right now. I have to do it and not just for him but for me too. I don't want to lose him. Then I wanted to be funny so I said to him "You still haven't sent me a photo of you in your uniform, I would send you mine in a cooking uniform but thankfully I don't have one." I added that laughing emoji. I am glad that I made him smile, that was the intention, to put a smile on that face, to be the reason for him to smile, at least for a second. He replied with... Well... he was laughing I know that for sure but then he replied with something that was telling me how there will be opportunities in the future for coffees and a photoshoot. I am glad that everything will come to its place and that I have to be patient and give it time. I know why am I feeling like this even though I don't like it. I have waited for something like this to happen all my life and now that I met this guy I am impatient for us to just happen already.

This afternoon I was washing windows with my mom and she made me laugh when she said how this year will be the year when she'll get married. She told me how I need to set a goal for myself. I have a goal but I just don't see it happening, I just don't. So, she said that if you don't believe in it then it won't happen. I want for this to happen but not sure if it ever will. Is he scared? Does he want it? When my mom started talking about getting married I started crying but I left for the bathroom before she sees me. She made me cry because I want to be with him so badly that maybe I would want to marry him. I know it's ridiculous to think about that even though we are not even together. I feel like he's my support, my protector, someone with whom I can be myself and I love him. Yes. I said it. I couldn't say it before because I wasn't sure but now I am. I love him and I don't care what anyone says. I know that I keep saying that I want to be with him but... I forgot my point here. Oh, right. I need to be patient and I need to wait but damn I hate waiting.

I have been texting with some guys that I met online, it's just an online thing, I don't do meeting and this is just for talking and meeting new people and having fun chatting. I guess you can say that I am bored. So, some guy told me how I look good and sexy, how I am a great girl but I just don't see it, maybe I do look good but sexy part, I don't think so. Good girl, well, how can they tell if they haven't met me. I love hearing that but the thing is that I want to hear that from him. I wish I could hear that from him. Everyone online knows about Will and how much I... care about Will. He did say something that made me feel confident and that's just one example of how much influence he has on me. When I hear it from him then I will believe it myself. This online communication helped me to be more open and to talk more. I made some good friends and we talk daily which I like, I am so comfortable talking with strangers. With Will, I feel so open, like I can tell him not just my past but my life goals, my desires, my dreams. I want to tell him how cute he is but I am waiting for the right time. He's just everything that I want in a guy. I see that we have similar thoughts and I hope that we'll get to share our thoughts throughout some topics because I want to hear his side, his mind and if we ever have that I will seriously love him more. I never had feelings like these towards anyone. Sometimes I think about the future, it's just a thought but I think that he'll be a great dad and an even better husband.