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27. December 2018.

 Everyone keeps telling me to relax and not to be nervous but how can I, I'm a mess. Who would want to date a mess?

I was out with my sister today and she borrowed my phone. She was checking her Instagram when I got a text from Will. "Oh, by the way, you have a text from William." I jumped. Literally! I was a little bit anxious, I didn't know what was it about and also because she saw the text. As she was done with it I checked the text. "Are you continuing training in January? I'm asking others so I would know if I should continue working here." We were texting back and forth about training but it just... It changed my mood because I was scared. I didn't know if we are finishing or are we continuing at all. I didn't want to lose him. I just got closer to him, we are good and I don't want to lose this. Whatever this is I don't want to lose it because I need this. I need him, he's my biggest support and it hurts from just thinking that I won't keep seeing him. "Anyway, I'll keep you posted, relax." Well if he's telling me to relax then it has to be good. Ok, that was a bit sarcastic. Tomorrow's training is going to be with my sister. "Ever since you got that text you've been down. What happened?" My sister saw my mood change and wanted to know what happened but I just couldn't tell her. When it comes to romantic emotions I have never been able to express them, to tell someone, to anyone because I feel vulnerable. I feel like they can see me, see the real me but then I feel naked. If I ever break I think that all my feelings would go everywhere. Like a water balloon, if you tap it with a needle it will break and the water would go everywhere, it could ruin everything. I could burst, I could burst in tears while I pour my feelings to anyone but especially to Will. This is all too much for me. I don't know if I can do this. I feel like this is a one-way street. I just don't feel him anymore. I know that he cares about me but how much? Can I tell him? My heart is shaking right now. This is too hard. I don't know if I'm going to make it but that's the problem with me, when things get tough and hard I just want to give up. I did that before like four times. It happened when I was in college, I wanted to give up because it was impossible to finish, it was too hard for me and I thought that I can't do this but now here I am with two degrees on my desk. If I can do that then I can do anything. Then why do I feel so lousy and weak, I don't like feeling like this. Here I am at the coffee shop crying. I am so getting drunk for New Year's eve.

So when I said that I feel like this is a one-way street, yes, I do. Maybe he feels something but, it's going more towards a friend zone, and then I thought 'Can I tell him?'. So can I? I know the old me. The old me would never do anything that makes me uncomfortable but the old me would never ask a guy out for a coffee let alone asking him out for drinks and still, he would say yes. That is new to me. I am not that old girl anymore. I am a woman, almost thirty-year-old woman who gets what she wants no matter what. Am I right? I want him! I want him! If I tell Will how I feel about him I don't know what could I say. I know that my heart would go crazy. We are close now, closer than ever but because we are no longer alone at training we are not able to talk like before. I remember one time I was on a bike, he was doing an exercise in front of me and we were talking about the future. He told me some personal stuff that I won't share but I like it when he's open with me. Sometimes I look at him and I think how he's successful and what he has accomplished. Maybe he doesn't see it but I do. Maybe it's because he didn't get there where he wants to be. I see that a career is his priority. Right now, my goal is to get on top of that mountain, he is my mountain. To get my happiness with a guy that I want. I want to start a relationship with him so I can genuinely say 'I want to spend my life with that guy'. Right now I can't say even though I want to because I don't know him well enough. I want to do everything with him without any regrets. Maybe everything that I am feeling it's not realistic how would my sister say but that's the way I feel.