I SEE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL THE SERIES BOOK 1: FIRST LOVE

~~~~FIFTY FOUR~~~~

The days seemed to go on much faster and I never got the chance to see Conan once again.

I never came across him in the halls, on the school compound or any other place that was close enough.

And every time I could try to breathe or open a book to read, the very first memory that came up in my head was that letter.

The memory never became too old for me but for some reason I kept on thinking about it despite the number of times I tried to convince myself that it was no big issue.

We sat our final examinations and when the time finally came, I left a couple of days earlier than Conan who still had more examinations.

My mom drove me home that day but my thoughts were elsewhere.

We never got to speak a single word and she didn't even bother to ask me how my examinations were.

By the time I got home, the entire house was deserted and the second my mom dropped me off with my bags, she drove back to work.

I got my belongings and single handedly moved them inside the house and up into my room.

When I was done, I showered and then changed into some of my casual clothes.

I then descended into the kitchen after I had one full hour to 1:00pm.

I fixed myself lunch by frying some rice and also cooking some beef from the refrigerator.

Once I was done, I served myself and then I sat at the dining table.

I took time off, trying to study all the pictures that hung in the dining room.

For the first time in ages, I was feeling a little bit interested by some sort of conviction.

I felt awkward in every way I couldn't express.

Studying each and every one of them keenly, it came to quick for me to understand.

Of all the more than fifteen photographs that hung on the wall, none of them was mine.

I did not appear in a single photograph and despite there being some individual potraits, there wasn't a single one of me.

I heard a voice deep down inside me telling me all the time.

"Guess you were never a part of your family." It said.

May be I was imagining things but I couldn't help but see the unignorable truth.

I was a part of the family but psycologically I felt I wasn't.

I was distant, not because I wanted but my presence was unwelcome.

I was isolated, not because I had a choice but because my family couldn't accept my sexuality.

I was a prisoner of my thoughts and yet amidst all that pain and heart ache, I found myself smiling.

I began to fathom a wonderful family with the Bells, Katie the sweet sister I would be thankful for and all the others.

Some times I was very jealous because my family could be nothing like the Bells.

They had all the fun together and they were more supportive of their children which was the reason that they grew open to their parents.

Sera and Michael were aware of literally all their children's hook ups, they fought to be present for every special occasion in their children's lives.

I attended way more birthdays with them than with my family, much as mine was at school, I always received birthday cards from all of them.

I smiled having them in mind but then suddenly frowned upon realising the solitude I felt in that big empty house.