Only his surrogate

Ninety two.

Waking up every day i felt slightly different, i just couldn't work out why or exactly how i was feeling. Maybe it was from my surgery and dont feeling great in myself, i just didn't know myself anymore. 

It was the same routine every day, wake up, feeds, nappy changes, meal times for the twins, washing, cleaning, well sometimes we had Jenny come and do that but still. I mean i just didn't want to get up out of bed anymore but i forced myself to shower and get dressed each day. 

"baby, im going to the store do you want to come?" Leyton asks as i come down the stairs, "no im fine, ill stay!" i smile, now i was usually the first one out and shopping? "it will do you good to get out," - "Leyton, please. im fine, i will sit outside if i need any fresh air." i mumbled as i drink my coffee. I noticed the kids were all dressed ready to go. "fine, we wont be long" he says as he walks towards the door, i get blown kisses from the twins. Lottie was asleep in her car seat. 

I felt horrendous. I sat outside catching some sun, but that didn't last long, i took myself off to bed, where i slept. for what felt like forever but only three hours when i was woken up by Alfie and Aubrey climbing on me. "mommy! wake up! its dinner time!" Alfie smiled, as i opened my eyes ad saw both of their blue eyes gazing at me. ''alright, give mommy five minutes and ill come down!" i smile softly.

 "feel better for sleeping baby?" - "a little, nice trip out?" i ask as we sit down to eat. in reality i wasnt hungry, but i knew i had to eat it. "Yeah! we stopped by my fathers on the way home, it was great. you should of came" he looked at me concerned i knew it wouldn't be long before he knew something was wrong. "I just didn;t feel up to travelling, im still sore" i shrugged looking down and Lottie, someone so small and adorable, my own daughter and yet i don't even want to pick her up? i pushed my plate away,. "not hungry?" "no, please excuse me" i just felt sadness but rage? angry? but wanting to cry? what is wrong with me. 

I changed into my running gear and came back down the stairs. "April what are you doing?" he questions with a firm tone. "running. i need to get out." i blew kisses to the babies, and left the house. 

I just ran, ran for miles. 

I wanted to be free? but something was holding me back, it was like a black hole was pulling me further and further in, but i couldn't escape. 

Will i be ok?