Only his surrogate

Ninety Three

I ran further than i ever did when i ran before children, I got home around 9pm, three hours, i just feel when i sit i think when im up i dont think. "Where the hell have you been? i have had people out looking for you?" Leyton asks frantically. "running. i told you. do you mind, i need a swim" - i stripped off into my bathing suit and headed outside diving into the pool. I knew i was pushing him away from me, i just couldn't help it. I wasn't aware of what was happening. 

Suddenly i remembered why i couldn't do much exercise pain rippled through my stomach, shit. 'Ah!" i screamed out as i stopped and got out the pool. "April?! baby, what is it?" - "fuck!!!" i cried. clutching my stomach in my hands falling into his arms, he cradled me and carried me inside. "I'll call the doctor!" - "no! i dont want one ... i'll be fine ... i just need ... medication!" i said between each breath, Immediately Leyton grabbed my medication and some water. 

Once it had calmed down he helped me get changed into some sweats and tie my hair up, he was truly amazing and i was pushing him away. We both laid together on the bed. "so are you gonna tell me what all this is about?" He asks as he wipes my head with a damp cool cloth. "what?" - "you know what, April. you have not been your self" - I sat up gently, with some help. 

''I don't know ... I haven't felt myself in days ... i really do not understand myself.'' i sighed. ''All i want to do is sleep ... im not hungry. I dont want to get up every day ...'' i felt the tears start to fall. "I feel like i don't love my baby, Leyton ... i don't know whats happening, i just feel empty, Like i can't be the mother i should be!" - he pulled me closer to him, wiping my cheek. "Baby, you should have spoken to me sooner ... I can help you" - "I don't know how you can help if i can't help myself!" - ''we're in this together baby, You'll be the amazing mother i know you are ..'' - ''But ... what if i can't ... i feel like im failing .." - ''never, you will never fail at the most amazing job you have ... I will help you April ... we will conquer this" he says softly pressing light kisses upon my head. 

''i love you" i whisper as i lay on his chest. "i love you always" - He cuddled me to sleep that night. i felt safe in his arms the only place i ever will and do feel safe. 

****

''Mrs Stevens, you have what we call baby blues ... more known as post natal depression, which is extremely common in mums with a new born" Dr Tyler came to visit us the next day after Leyton made a phone call and told her everything i was feeling. "depression?" - "it wont last, its only for the first few weeks whilst baby is still small ... with the support you have and beating it you will be yourself again in no time!" she smiles softly. 

I was thankful i had the support network i did, other wise i don't think i would be able to do it alone. 

I will be myself again. 

I will.