Nightmares -Saiouma/Oumasai-

-71-

"I, have just been having memories come to my mind...and when I'm walking down the halls and talking to some of the other students...even sometimes with you, I just feel the same way I did back then. When I was alone and when no one wanted to listen to me...no one ever heard me or listened to what I said. That's why I became the liar I am seen as now, but what if I never wanted to be this way. I never asked for any of this and honestly..." I paused letting some of my memories come back to me.

The memories of my stolen childhood. Of my mother and father putting all of this pressure on me and making my house not my home. I could never feel like I could really be myself there...because whenever I showed any sign of weakness or vulnerability they always told me I was overreacting or even just being a drama queen who wanted attention. All of the times when I had to hide my tears behind a laugh and a smile...anyone who I have let close to me before always made me feel like I was some monster for being the way I am...honestly I can't blame them. I have some habits and things I do that would be considered weird or even repulsive...I'm surprised Shuichi has stayed by my side this long.

"Honestly, it made me feel like I have never been able to be myself. I always have a mask on and I have to wear it around everyone and I'm sick of it...I'm not a damn toy for them to play with! I'm not a fucking puppet I'm my own puppeteer! They shouldn't have had as much control over me that they did...because honestly I feel like I have lost a part of myself..and the problem is that I don't remember what it is..." I said finally feeling some tears fall down my cheeks. I sighed to myself and went to wipe them away before my hand was met with Shuichi's.

"I understand that...I mean as I have gotten close to you," He paused and moved his hand into my own. Aligning my fingers with his before he gently intertwined them together.

"I have noticed that you always seem to act like this person that you have made yourself into...but I'm glad that you are comfortable enough around me where I get to see the small moments when you show me the real you." He moved his other hand to my cheek to wipe a stray tear that was going down my cheek. I felt a small blush come to my cheeks, but I didn't mind because I wanted to just be here with Shuichi. I don't need to be as stressed around him...because he has shown to me that he is willing to be there for me.

"So, if you want to stop lying and find out who the real you is," He paused gently pulling me into his lap keeping our hands together as he did so.

"I'm going to be by your side the whole time," He said as more of a statement. I smiled at his confidence and moved my head onto his shoulder gently brushing my fingers against the back of his hand. This feeling I'm feeling is real. I remember the times before when people got close to me and said the same thing...but only pulled away from me. But with Shuichi it's different, because he has shown that he is going to be here for me. No matter what, the same as I want to do for him.

"Thank you," Was all I could say before my breathing came to a calm pace as I let myself relax against his touch. He started to rub my back as I was leaning against him. The feeling of pleasure leaked onto my skin and moved across my body like a drip in a pool of water. Shivers traveling up my spine and throughout my whole being as he touched me. Moments like these show me that I need him like he needs me. These small touches and gestures and even the small talks we have together all make me realize this is what I needed all along. Someone who would be there to hold me, someone to be there to tell me it's going to be alright, someone to listen to me and hear the words I say.

"I noticed something was off with you Shu, what's wrong my love?" I asked quietly slowly moving him down to the bed so I was in his arms. This was also so I would be able to see his face. His mouth moved into a frown and his eyes were sad. Did something happen? Was it something I did? Shit...I really didn't want to end up hurting him and-

"I have just been worried that I'm not doing enough for you or the others...I just have been having a hard time seeing how hard I have been working...and seeing the good things that I'm doing..." He said quietly, finally meeting my eyes after a few moments. I gently let my hand move to his face. Gently brushing his lower lip with my thump, this made his eyes widen a bit and I smiled a bit at this.

"Hey, you know that all of us are going to appreciate you even if you need a break or aren't able to do everything perfectly all the time, because honestly, no one can do that. So, don't worry about that ok? Because we all care a lot about you, I care a lot about you." I paused and moved my hand to his cheek. His skin was warm underneath my hand as a blush slowly came across his cheeks.

"Thank you, sorry I just always was expected to be perfect for my parents...and I guess I haven't been able to let it go..." He said looking away from me for a moment. I frowned a bit and let my hand go through his hair.

"Hey it's ok to be worried about that...but you need to know that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself alright?" I asked, trying to get him to look at me. He took a few moments before he looked back at me. He started to cry and apologize to me. This broke my heart. I want him to know that I'm here for him, but I know how hard it can be to see that in this mindset.

-Thank you all so much for reading!! I have a math test tomorrow--so I hope that goes well!-

-ShuichiOuma010-