Tears of our Ruins

Goodbye

CORA

I don't know how long I've been laying here feeling way too many emotions. Mostly I feel stupid. I stare at my bandaged arms and hold in my sigh. My mom is cuddled next to me in bed, clinging to me tightly. My dad looks uncomfortable sitting next to me hunched over with his head on my bed. They are both sleeping. I can't believe I hurt them again. I can't believe I scared them again. I can't believe I did this. I should have reached out when things started feeling out of my control. I should have asked for help but I kept it all bottled in. I tried to kill myself again. I don't want to die though, not really. Everything just feels so hard and hopeless now.

I will my tears to stop so I don't wake my parents. I don't want to do this again. I'm being checked into a mental institution. It's for my best interest. I understand that. I don't want to have to do this though. I think of Eli and my heart shatters. Will I ever see him again? Maybe it's for the best that I don't. I gave him my virginity but he doesn't really want me like that. We've definitely ruined our friendship now.

My dad begins to stir and he looks so sad as he meets my eyes. I hate that I've done this to him again. "Hey, kiddo. You ok?"

"Daddy," I cry out. "I'm sorry, daddy." He stands up and gathers me in his arms. My mom wraps her arms around the both of us.

"We're gonna get you better, Cora. I promise," he says into my hair. All three of us are bawling. "I promise."

"I love you, Cora," my mom says as she places a kiss on my cheek.

"Love you too, mom."

Dad stretches and wipes his tears. "I'll go pick us up breakfast so you don't have to eat the crappy food here."

"Thanks, daddy." He kisses my forehead and walks out of the room.

"Do you want to talk?" Mom asks.

"Elliot and I kissed," I blurt out. I can't tell her about the sex though.

"Oh."

"Now our friendship is ruined. There's no going back. He doesn't want me like that. I just couldn't handle it. It hurts not to have him in my life," I cry.

She wraps me in her arms. "He looked really shook up yesterday. He called your dad when he couldn't find you. He was the first to get to you. Cora, I understand things might be awkward now but he cares about you. I think you could still be friends if you wanted."

"It's just hard though, mom. Why does everything have to be so hard?"

"That's life, baby. I always felt like I had shit luck." I nod. She did. She had a hard life. She experienced depression but she never hurt herself like I have. She's stronger than me. "You have to remember that things do and will get better. I am so happy with your dad. We have the most beautiful and amazing children ever. Life is worth it, Cora. Your life is worth it. I promise you that you will overcome this and find happiness."

"Can you really promise that though, mom?"

"Yes. I know today's going to be hard. I'm sorry you have to face it." It is going to be tough and I don't want to do this at all. I take in a shaky breath. She gives me a tight hug and kiss.

I watch as she walks to the bathroom. I sit staring at my phone; indecisiveness pulling me every direction. I have to text Elliot. I can't leave us like this.

ME:
- I'm ok. Thanks for helping. I'm sorry for everything. I'm going to a mental hospital so you don't need to worry about me anymore. Bye Elliot.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent that. I turn off my phone. I won't be able to bring it with me. I don't see the message that Elliot eventually sends.