Tears of our Ruins

Drowning in Fear

CORA

"You don't need a man anyway," Faye says into the phone. "Spend this time focusing on yourself. Whatever happens is meant to be and it'll end up being alright. Ok?"

"Yeah. I know." It just hurts so bad though. It's been a week since Elliot and I broke up. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I miss my boyfriend and my best friend. I just want to fix this but I don't know how.

There's a knock on my door and mom steps into my room. "Hey Cora."

"Hey mom," Faye says through speaker phone.

I watch as my mom's face lights up. "Hey Faye. How's everything going?"

"Oh, pretty good. Nothing too exciting or anything. I just got hired to walk during fashion week."

My mom squeals and I laugh. I squealed like that too when Faye told me. "That's amazing, honey! I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks! I'm excited but nervous. It's a good kind of nervous though. Since I'm short and curvy, I never thought I'd make it here. I just don't fit the industry standard."

"You're better than that standard," my mom says. "You're extraordinary and everyone knows it."

"Thanks mom."

"Love you, sweetie. I'll let you girls get back to chatting. Call me later though, Faye. I want to hear more details. Oh Cora, just a reminder that your appointment with the gynecologist is tomorrow."

"Ewww. Do I have to go?" I've been before and I hate it. It just feels so awkward. "Elliot and I broke up anyway."

"What? Why?" My mom asks as she sits down next to me. "I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" She hugs me and I lean into her embrace.

"I am ok but I'm really sad. Can we talk about it later though?"

"Sure. Just remember I'm always here for you." She gives me a look and I know she's scrutinizing me, analyzing me to make sure I'm not suicidal. I'll need to reassure her later. She gives me a smile as she leaves the room.

"Why don't you go ahead and get on the birth control," Faye says. "Then you have it if and when you need it."

"Yeah. I guess. I should probably go anyway to make sure I'm ok."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Well, they said it's common from the stress and trauma of it all, but I still haven't gotten my period back since my suicide attempt."

"Cora! That was over two months ago! How many periods have you missed?"

"Ummm... I open my app to check. "Just two."

"Are you sure it's the stress?" She lowers her voice to a whisper. "There's no way you're pregnant or anything, is there?"

"What? No! Absolutely not," I say but my mind instantly flashes to having sex with Elliot that night. There's no way I'm pregnant. That was a long time ago. Surely I'd realize by this point, right? Yeah, there's no way. Plus, Elliot totally used a condom, didn't he? I close my eyes and search my memory. I can't remember if he did or not. I know I'm not pregnant, but a little worry has settled itself in my mind. "It's definitely just the stress of everything," I reassure Faye. "It's really common after suicide attempts."

"Ok. I hope you're right. I'm here to help if not."

"Faye! Thank you, but I'm still a virgin. It's not possible."

"Oh! Ok then! Guess we can forget that worry," she laughs.

"Yeah," I say with my own fake laugh.

CORA

I sit in my car and watch birds dive down to get birdseed from the feeders. I'm sure it's not easy to be a bird, but they seem so carefree right now. What would it be like to have wings and just fly away? I wish I had wings. I really could use a pair right now.

I choke on a sob as my body shakes with sadness and fear. I pick up the small photograph and stare in shock at the ultrasound picture of my baby. How is this happening to me? This can't be happening. It has to be a bad nightmare that I'm going to be waking up from soon. I can't be pregnant. When the doctor told me my fears were true, I sat there in shock. All I could think about was my dad. My dad is going to flip out. He's going to kill me and Elliot. This is his biggest nightmare. He raised us being terrified of something like this happening. No sex. That's all I've heard since I first got my period. No sex. No sex. No sex. Wait until marriage. He's always been protective of us girls and it's for this exact reason. He's going to hate me. I don't think I can stand to see the look of disappointment, anger, and hatred in his eyes. I wish I didn't have to tell him.

I'm going to have to though. There's no way around this. My doctor was really nice. She was very understanding and supportive as I sat there crying and freaking out. She told me I had options and gave me pamphlets on abortions and adoptions. When I saw this little gummy bear baby bouncing around inside of me, I knew abortion wasn't an option for me. I can't do it. This little baby, regardless of how scared I am, is part of me and Elliot. My doctor, who is my moms doctor too, encouraged me to talk to her. She thinks mom will be more understanding than I'm thinking and that I need her right now. She's right. I definitely need my mom but I don't want to tell her either.

Elliot. I'm going to need to tell him first, but I don't even know how to do that. We broke up. He's not talking to me. He's not answering my calls. How do I tell him that we've ruined our lives? There's no way I'll be able to start school next year. What about him? Will he be able to finish college or will he have to get a job to support the baby instead? What about his band and the tour this summer? I'm 11 weeks 2 days pregnant. I'm due August 10th. He won't even be around when the baby is born. He'll be on tour.

Everything I've ever done has been one big screwup. Now I'm not just screwing up my life, but Elliot's too... My mom and dad's too... I begin to sob again. My heart is breaking all over again because of Elliot and for my fucked up life.

Get ahold of yourself, Cora! I take a huge calming breath. I can't go through with an abortion, so I'm having this baby. I have to deal with this and I can't just sit here feeling sorry for myself. I need to get back to Scotland to talk to Elliot. One step at a time and that needs to be my first step. I just need to convince my dad and mom to let me go first. Shit. They know we broke up and my dad is pissed. He's beyond pissed. He kept mumbling things like, "I knew this would happen," and "I fucking warned him." I don't have a choice though. I have to talk to Elliot.