Tears of our Ruins

I'm Nobody

CORA

"Cora! Earth to Cora!"

"Huh?" I stare into Ava's eyes with confusion. She's laughing at me.

"Girl, you were out of it! What's got you so lost in la la land? Or," she intently studies me, "is everything ok? Do we need to move up your appointment this week?"

I sigh. How long will I be scrutinized like that? How long will people take the littlest of mood changes and think I'm in a bad place? I appreciate the concern but it does get annoying. I want it to all be normal again.

Normal. Things are far from normal right now.

"CORA! Where the hell is your mind today? I feel like I'm having a one sided conversation. All you've said to me since I walked in was huh."

"Sorry. Just trying to figure some stuff out."

"Good stuff or bad, I need to worry about you, stuff?"

"Weird stuff?"

Ava scrunches up her face. "I don't know how to take that."

"Yeah. Me either. That's the problem." I pull out a raspberry chocolate cupcake and start eating it. It's a bad habit. If there were cupcakes around, my dad would always give me one if I were sad, stressed, confused, or hurt. I've started to wonder if he believes cupcakes can fix all problems.

"Well, why don't we chat about it then?"

"Not sure I'm ready to do that."

"Liz! Cora's taking her break. We'll be back in 30."

"Ok."

Ava throws me my jacket and pushes me outside. I notice the lady sitting on her bench and I give her a wave as I walk by. "Could I take a guess?" I shrug as I pull my jacket closer around me. It's really cold but it didn't snow as much down here as it did up in the mountains. "Could this have something to do with a hot best friend you were snowed in with?"

"What?! How?! Who?! How?!" My voice comes out high pitched.

"Calm down, Cora," Ava laughs. "It was an easy guess. I mean, you were trapped together for two nights, just the two of you. I'm thinking something happened that complicated the friendship circle and you're not sure what to do now. Or maybe you're not sure how you feel."

"God you're good at this," I respond with embarrassment. I can't believe this was so easy for her to figure out. "You should become a therapist or something."

"So are you telling me what happened or should I keep guessing?"

"Our friends called us and we were dared to kiss." There's no way I'm telling her the game we played ourselves the night before. I try to control my blush with the memory.

"Yeah. I can see how that could become an issue for friends only."

"Why? Why does it have to be a big thing? It's just a kiss. Why do you think it would become an issue for us?"

"Ok. Well, you've known him forever. You guys have a connection that very few will understand or have because you did grow up together. You're both attractive so it makes sense that kissing could stir up some feelings you didn't realize were there."

I nod. It makes sense. "I've always had feelings for Eli though. I told him I loved him at 12, given I didn't really know what love was then. I just knew I had big feelings for him."

"Do you still have those feelings for him?"

"Probably but I can't. He hurt me, Ava. I can't set myself up for that kind of hurt again. I couldn't handle that now. I told him I loved him and I kissed him and he kicked me out of his life. Well, now we have the kissing part done and all I need to do is confess my feelings and he'll be gone again. I can't lose him a second time. It will destroy me."