Tears of our Ruins

Home Not Sweet Home

...... PRESENT TIME ......

CORA / ALYSSA

My head is pounding when my alarm goes off. I slept terrible last night. It's no surprise really. I sleep terrible most nights. I change into yoga pants and a tshirt. I pull my straight hair up in a pony tail. I put in my stupid colored contacts and slip on my fake glasses. Then, I grab a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I wake up every morning to run. It's the best therapy for me. I love running through Central Park and watching all the other people there. It's one of the few times I feel happy anymore.

I stare at the birthday cake I threw in the trash last night. One year ago yesterday, I gave birth to my baby. When I close my eyes, I can still hear it crying. It's a sound forever embedded in my heart. I was instantly in tears, bawling, desperate to hold it and kiss it. I told the nurses I didn't want to see or hold it though. I didn't want to know if it was a girl or a boy. I knew if I did, I'd change my mind and want to keep it. I had decided to give the baby up for adoption. There was no way I could raise it by myself in New York. I didn't know anyone and I had no help. I'm barely making ends meet so how could I handle a baby too? I wanted to keep it though. As I began to feel it move in my stomach, I bonded with it. Even though the baby will never know me or my family, I talked to it nonstop. I told it about me and it's dad. I loved feeling it move around inside of me. It made me feel like I wasn't really alone.

So no, I couldn't look at my baby. It would break me. All I have is the memories of it crying, the phantom feelings of it moving inside me, and the ultrasound pictures. I find myself looking at the last ultrasound I had gotten. It was one of those 3D ones and it's little face was the cutest. I just hope and pray my baby is loved and has an amazing life. It still hurts though. I imagine what it would have been like if I stayed at home and kept the baby. We would have thrown it a birthday party. My dad would hate me, but I have no doubt he'd love his grandkid. Now I just have a void in my life. I feel like an important part of me is missing.

I sigh and wipe a tear from my eye. I set my dish in the sink and put in my ear buds. I quickly exit my building and run towards Central Park. It's a beautiful morning. I can already tell it's going to be a hot day. My morning runs are the only time I happily smile at the people I pass instead of avoiding eye contact. To watch everyone live their normal lives, makes me happy.

I usually sit and people watch during my run, but I'm feeling uneasy today. I think my baby's birthday has me feeling off and I'm fighting memories that I refuse to think about. So I skip the people watching today. I make my way back to my apartment, feeling the heat of the sun intensify. A few blocks away, I bring my jog to a walk. All of a sudden, the hairs on my body stand on end and I'm not sure why. Something doesn't feel right. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being... watched? I scan my surroundings. There are so many people passing by, living their lives. Nobody is paying much attention to me. Why am I scared all of a sudden? I don't see anything out of the ordinary. I sprint my way back to the safety of my apartment. Maybe all my memories last night really has me on edge today.

I quickly get ready for job number one. To work. Home. To my second job. Home. Go to sleep. Wake up. Run. Repeat. That's my life.

McDonahew's. My first job of the day. It slips by fast. It always does because I'm always busy. Being busy settles my mind so that's perfect. It gives me no time to think. There's a steady flow of business people. Most are the same snotty ones I see throughout the week. I shouldn't think of them like that. I don't know them and I'm sure they are nice. They smile and tip well. Why am I being so judgmental of them? I'm blessed to have this job. This place is so ritzy and they pay really good.

The interior is gorgeous. During the day, the room is brightly lit. The walls and ceiling are white with crown molding and artistic details and designs. The floors are a beautiful white and black marble. Stark white tablecloths adorn each table with comfortable high back chairs. White, gold, and crystal place settings and a bouquet of fresh red roses are on each table. Elaborate crystal chandeliers fall from the ceiling. Once evening hits, this place is transformed. The lights are lowered and candles are added to the arrangements at every table. Uplighting in shades of orange add a romantic glow against the walls and ceilings. My uniform is tight black pants, a black button up shirt, black tie, and a black apron. I always wear my hair in a high ponytail to keep it out of my face. I'd love to be able to eat here as a guest sometime. I'll never be able to afford it though. It's ironic at how drastically my life has changed.