Tears of our Ruins

Fighting for You

CORA

The next day, I wake up with renewed conviction. I'm getting him back. I jump in the shower then fret with my clothes. I want to look good but I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. Why am I so nervous? Because this feels like the most important thing I'm ever going to do. I throw on jeans and a sweater. Who cares what I wear. I just need to get over there.

I jump in my car and run to Tucker's dorm room. I'm nervous but confident that it'll be ok. I knock. Nothing. I knock again. Still nothing. Now I'm getting nervous. I knock a third time and Tucker's room mate pulls open the door. I'm all of a sudden hit with the fact that I don't know his name. How shitty of a person am I?

"He's not here," he says to me instead of a greeting.

"Oh. Do you know where he's at?"

He shrugs. "I'd assume class."

"Right. Yeah. Tell him I stopped by." He nods at me and shuts the door in my face. I stand here, just staring at the closed door. I have no idea where Elliot's first class is. I do know it's too early. Even if he doesn't end up skipping today, he wouldn't be there yet.

I numbly walk down the hall, not having a clue what to do now. Text him. No. Call him. I grab my phone and listen to it ring and ring until his voicemail comes up. I cry a bit to hear his voice. "Elliot....... I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. Can we talk? Please?" I hang up and my heart feels heavy again.

I sit outside on the hood of my car, wishing time away. Why hasn't he called me back? Surely he got my message by now. Maybe I should text him. If he's in class, he might be able to glance at his text.

ME:
- I'm so sorry. Please, can we talk?

Nothing. I sit here for two hours and he never calls or texts. "Elliot," I whisper out in a cry. I try calling him again and it rings and rings until it goes to voicemail. "Elliot," I hear the heartbreak in my voice and I can't stop tears from falling. I'm losing hope. "I'm sorry," I say again before hanging up. How long is he going to ignore me?

Another hour goes by and I numbly stroll around campus, hoping to find him. I could text Ruthie but I don't want to admit to anyone that we're broken up, assuming Elliot hasn't told them. I just want to see him, get back together, and pretend none of this nightmare happened.

ME:
- I said I was sorry.
- I didn't mean it. I was just upset and wanted to hurt you.
- Please talk to me.
- Will you be my boyfriend again?
- I fucking want you. Please!!!!!

"FUCK!" I yell and everyone turns and stares at me. I don't care. I feel life my life is falling apart. I call him again and it rings and rings until his voicemail picks up. I hang up and call him again. I'll keep calling until he eventually answers my calls. It rings once's and goes straight to voicemail. My heart chills. He denied my call. He sent me to voicemail. I call him again and it does the same thing. It goes straight to voicemail. "NO!" I scream out. I call him again; straight to voicemail. "Elliot. Please don't do this to me," I whisper into the phone. My hand is shaking and my heart is shattered as I end the call. What do I do now? How can I fix this if he's avoiding me?

"Hey, are you ok?" Some girl tentatively walks up to me with concern.

"Yeah," I give her a small smile that she knows isn't real. I was just yelling into my phone and I'm bawling. I'm clearly not ok. "I'll be fine," I assure her as I walk away.

I sit on the stairs of Tucker's dorm, waiting for him to show up. He has to come back eventually, right? Or is he staying at his dorm again? Paul and him still aren't getting along, so I doubt it. I sit here all day, well past the time he should be home, but he never shows up. Tucker doesn't either. Why is he doing this? Why doesn't he want to fix us? I don't understand any of it. I know I fucked up, but come on!

I have zero hope left in me as I call him one more time. This time it rings and rings and rings before going to voicemail. This confirms that he was purposely avoiding my calls earlier. My throat is so heavy with emotion, I feel like I'm going to gag. "I guess we're really over then? I just... Elliot...." A sob escapes from my mouth and I quickly hang up. We're over. I can't fix us when he won't even try.

I numbly drive to my grandma's house and spot Ava's car in the driveway. She's sitting on the front porch and runs to my car before I even park it. As soon as I step out, she pulls me into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry, Cora." I squeeze her like I'm going to drown if she lets me go. I sob. It all just hurts so bad. We stand here forever, until my tears dry up. I've cried so much today, I'm not sure I can cry anymore. She clings to me as she walks me inside. Thankfully, grandma isn't around. Not sure where she's at, but I don't feel like facing her at this moment.

Ava sits me in the kitchen and my body just feels so heavy. She sits a glass of water in front of me. I feel the cool liquid run down my throat. I haven't had a drink all day. "Are you ok?" She finally asks. I can't speak. I only shake my head no. She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise it'll be ok. It hurts, but it won't hurt forever." I don't believe her at all. There's no way this pain will ever go away.

"Wait," I choke out. "How did you know?"  I haven't told anyone that Elliot and I broke up so how in the world would Ava know?

She gives me a tight smile that isn't a smile at all. "Elliot called me."

"What?"

"He was worried about you and... he called me." I don't know how to process this. I feel hope to know he was worried about me enough to call Ava. Of course he's worried though. Feelings don't just turn off because you break up. So he has definitely been getting my messages and that hurts that he didn't just make sure I was ok himself. Fresh tears spring from my eyes. "Cora, please don't cry."

"How can I fix us when he won't talk to me?" I whisper. "Did he say anything else?"

"No. He just mentioned that you guys... you know, and he was worried about you."

I nod my head. Everything feels so heavy and it just hurts right now. "I'm tired." Ava follows me upstairs and crawls into bed with me. She doesn't leave me.

The next day passes with hurt as I don't see or hear from Elliot. I really did lose him. Was meeting Lindsey for dinner worth losing him over? No. I spend my last day in Scotland laying in my room crying, with Ava. I sent Eli a few more texts and tried calling him again... Nothing. He's cut off all contact with me. I feel my depression sneaking in and it scares me. I told Ava and she set with me during a video chat with my therapist. I focus on my grounding techniques to help me through this. I've fucked up though. I just want Elliot and I can't stop crying about him. Nothing feels ok anymore.