Tears of our Ruins

Words to Hurt You

CORA

Even though I'm only staying this week, I've settled into a routine while I'm here. I eat breakfast and spend the morning with grandma. Then I meet Ava for lunch. I head to the bakery to help. Afterwards, I head to the university to spend time with Elliot. We typically grab dinner, go for walks, and watch movies. A few nights I did help him study. It's making me sad that my trip feels like it's almost over. It's Thursday and I fly out Saturday night. I'm not ready to leave yet. As much as I love being at home with my family, my heart's here. I'm really happy here with Eli and I want to stay with him.

I look out the window again and see Lindsey sitting there. She wasn't around for a few days, but as soon as she saw me on Tuesday, she's been coming daily. I've kept my word and I haven't told anyone about her. She's been nagging at my mind though. She's been nice during the brief interactions I've had with her. Is that niceness fake? Why did she hurt my mom and dad so badly? It's hard to understand how someone can be so evil and I want to know. I have other questions too. Does dad know she's out of jail? What would he do if he knew she was here? What about grandma Rose? Do they talk? It's all driving me crazy. Seeing her sitting there pisses me off though. She's an enemy.

"Be right back," I yell at Liz as I stomp outside.

"Why did you do it?" I ask and realize my voice is filled with more hatred than I thought. I can't imagine what my mom had to go through and it really scares me. "How could you do that to her? To him?"

She shakes her head, almost like she's in disbelief and tears instantly fall from her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Cora. So unbelievably sorry. No reason I give will ever be good enough. I even can't believe what I did. I wasn't right. My mind was all a mess. In prison, I ended up being diagnosed with bipolar disorder with psychotic features. So not only was I having extreme moods, I was paranoid and delusional. It's no excuse though. I deserved to go to prison. I take responsibility for my actions."

My stomach twists and I suddenly feel bad for her. These emotions are confusing me. On one hand, I hate her for what she did to my mom. I hate her with a passion. On the other, my heart hurts for her because I know how hard mental illnesses can be. Can I really hold this against her then? "You struggle with mental health," I say in a whisper. "I do too."

"Oh Cora. I hate to hear that." She gives me a sad smile. "I wouldn't wish mental health struggles on anyone. You deserve better than that."

"It wasn't your fault then," I say as I sit down next to her.

She chuckles lightly. "I'm pretty sure nobody has that same view. It was my fault. Mental illness or not, I'm responsible. Like now, I'm breaking my parole just by being this close to the bakery and you."

"Oh... I haven't told anyone. I won't either. I'd actually like to get to know you, Lindsey."

She looks shocked. I'm a little shocked myself. "I wish I could, but it's not a good idea. When I first saw you walk inside that day, I instantly knew who you were. All I see is Bobby when I look at you. That's why I kept coming. I just wanted to get a glimpse of you. Then you were gone for so long and it made me sad. Seeing you has been the highlight of my days. So when I saw you were back the other day, I couldn't stay away. I'm not suppose to be here though."

"Let's go to dinner tonight," I say. I know I'm crazy for doing this. On some level I feel like I'm betraying my mom. Lindsey struggles with mental health though and I understand that more than anyone else. Maybe we can help each other. Plus, if I'm becoming a psychiatrist, how can I turn my back on her? "Please? Just once." I hand her my phone. "Put your number in."

She nervously takes it. "I really shouldn't be doing this."

"I promise it'll be ok."

She nods. "I'm only doing this because I really would love to get to know one of my nieces."