Before I Forget

My Name is Phoenix

"You are scared," Sensei said as soon as he had closed the door behind them and they were alone in the tiny, plain and simple room he called his office but which in reality was more like a storage closet.

Sky shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

"What are you afraid of?" Sensei asked. He leaned on the wall, crossing his arms on his chest, giving Sky one of those looks that said she wouldn't be walking out of here unless she gave him some answers.

Sky shifted on her feet, wished that the gi had pockets where to stuff her hands, but it didn't so she clasped them behind her back, trying to get a grip of her nerves.

Sensei Lawrence had always taught her that fear didn't exist in this dojo. If she now admitted that she was afraid, would he kick her out? Would he tell her she wasn't Cobra Kai material after all?

That thought felt like a knife in her windpipe.

"Ginger, just spit it out. I know something is bothering you, so you might just as well tell me. What are you so scared of? Losing a fight? Getting kicked in that shoulder?"

"Everything," Sky breathed, tasting tears.

She was scared of fucking everything.

Scared of fighting in the tournament, of getting another flashback, of being the nut job, the embarrassment of the whole dojo.

Scared of losing her temper and getting into another fight at school.

Scared of dad finding out how miserable she still was, how broken, how she still thought about killing herself every other day.

Scared of opening the envelope that had arrived in the post a week ago, and was still lying on her desk, an envelope which had her name written on it with Kat's Mom's handwriting.

Scared of Matt, still, even if she knew he was rotting away in prison and there was an entire continent between them.

And the last one on her pathetic list of fears - she was scared of having sex with Hawk because God forbid, she might even enjoy it and that thought terrified her because no matter what anyone said, she knew without a doubt that she didn't deserve to feel good.

Because everything in her was wrong and twisted and broken, and it would never get better.

"I'm scared of everything," She repeated silently, her voice shaking. "Of every fricking thing. And I'm stuck in it, and I know you always say fear doesn't exist, Sensei, but it does—!" She pointed at her chest with a trembling finger. "It's all in here, all the fear in the world, and I'm a pathetic loser!"

"No you're not," Sensei said, taking a step closer. "You're not a loser. You're a fighter, you are a badass!"

"I'm really not." Sky breathed. The stupid tears were still burning in her throat, she clenched her jaw to stop them from flowing.

"You are no quitter, Ginger. If you were, you wouldn't have come back after that first day when Hawk got you on the mat."

Sky didn't reply. She stared at her feet, her bare toes, that sucked in the cold from the floor. Inside she felt frozen anyway.

"Most of us have a sob story," Sensei Lawrence continued after a short silence. "The world doesn't give a shit about that, about the bad things that have happened to us. You just gotta keep moving forward, keep getting back up to your feet, no matter how many times the world kicks you down. And that's why you came here, isn't it? To get back up. Or was it just to get close to Hawk?"

A ghost of a smile touched the corner of Sky's mouth.

"No, it wasn't just because of him,"

"Yeah, because you are a badass babe who can kick ass," Sensei said with an encouraging grin. "And you shouldn't be scared of the world. The world should be scared of you!"