Before I Forget

Karma

Nicholas stared at the vending machine, some coins in his palm.

It was the same machine as the last time, with the same exact selection as the last time, and just like the last time, Nicholas wanted nothing.

He was so sick of hospitals, of this one especially. He was sick of everything in here - the smell, the colors, the ugly furniture, the endless pit of fear and worry that nested in his chest. It made him nauseous, he felt like he could throw up in the trash can next to the vending machine, and he kept swallowing the bitter saliva back down, staring at the items through the glass, seeing nothing.

This was the fourth time in a year and a half, that he stood in a hospital, staring at a vending machine while slowly dying inside. Nicholas couldn't help but think this was a punishment, that this was karma, that this was the universe whacking him across his face. Or maybe he was cursed. That was the other option.

First, there had been Matt, who had started all this. Then there had been Sky's first suicide attempt. Then the second one... And now - what? A Karate war in school?

It was almost like a full circle - what had begun with random violence in school, was now ending with random violence in school. But to think that this could really be the end–

That this would be the time Sky didn't pull through--

Nicholas felt sick to his stomach. He clenched his jaw, leaned on the vending machine with both hands, and tried to breathe in deep, slow breaths. Panicking, or throwing up all over himself, would do no one any good.

But he couldn't stop thinking about Sky. She had been such a happy, healthy baby. Rosy-cheeked, plump, always smiling. She had arrived into this world with ease, the labor had been quick and as painless as it could be. Elaine had been so happy to hold Sky in her arms - their unplanned little surprise - and Nicholas had sworn he would always protect both of them. His beautiful wife and his tiny, little miracle baby, who had his heart so completely he had never even imagined love that powerful could exist.

But he hadn't been able to protect Elaine. Cancer had taken her before Sky was two years old, and that wound in Nicholas' heart - no matter how old - would never stop hurting.

He had thought he had paid for all the sins of his past lives when he had lost Elaine. Surely that was enough sorrow for one man's lifetime?

At first, he had been scared of everything, fearful that some evil turn of fates would take Sky away from him, just as the universe had taken Elaine away. But Sky had been an insanely healthy child. All the childhood fevers and stomach flus that seemed to be the curse of every other family had never bothered them. Sky had learned to walk early, and run soon after that - and some accidents had followed, but never anything serious. There had been scraped knees, some knocked-out teeth, and cuts and bruises - all because she was reckless, wild and so full of life that nothing had been able to slow her down.

Nicholas had counted his blessings every day.

Yes, he had lost a wife. But he had a daughter, he had a home full of life and happiness and laughter.

Until Matt.

Nicholas still could not understand how he hadn't seen that coming. But he had been so blind. He had not realized what was going on, and now he could never forgive himself for not seeing, for not being able to stop it.

He let out a pained groan. He had leaned to the vending machine so hard that the edges were cutting into his palms, and still he wanted to throw up, the taste of bile lingered on his tongue.

"I'm sorry, are you going to buy something?" Came a voice from behind, startling him out of the painful memories. "It's just that I promised my wife I'd get a soda for my daughter—"