Before I Forget

Creatures of the Night

This is a short one, but I felt like it needed to be a separate chapter.

I hope you like it, even if there is no naked Hawk this time. :(

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Because she couldn't study, Sky decided to do something she had put off for too long already.

She wrote a reply to Kat's Mom's letter.

That took her most of the evening, multiple versions of the reply letter ending up on crumpled balls of paper on the floor, before she finally was satisfied and folded the final version in an envelope, and wrote the address on top of it.

It wasn't much. Just a couple of lines, telling that she was okay (she wasn't, but she was pretty sure Kat's Mom would understand her meaning), that she had a boyfriend who was really nice and kind, and that she was sorry she hadn't been in touch. That was all she could do, but it was better than nothing.

She also checked her old email account - the one she hadn't used since Kat's death - and read all 23 emails Kat's older brother Paulo had sent her. They all made her cry and feel like shit, because she had always desperately loved Paulo, and it felt like such a betrayal towards him that she had never even realized that her leaving had hurt him.

Her face sticky with tears, Sky formed an answer apologizing for her shitty behavior, telling Paulo that she missed him too and if he ever wanted to visit, he would be more than welcome to do so.

There, I did it.

Even if she had cried her eyes out, it still felt like a relief, and somehow the air was easier to breathe now. Sky felt lighter than in ages.

She decided to go for a run to drop the letter in a mailbox.

The truth was, that this past week without karate had sucked big time. She had already gotten used to the regular exercise, and both her body and mind yearned for it. Without karate, her mind began to wander and became restless, her body grew tense and irritated.

Maybe Hawk is right.

Maybe Sensei doesn't think I'm a loser and a quitter.

Maybe I should just go back–

But it still felt too difficult. She was so ashamed of her episode in front of everyone, and even if the other cobras were supposedly cool with it, she still couldn't help to wonder what sensei thought about it all.

He was the kind of man who wouldn't have much understanding about mental health issues, Sky suspected. Hell, he probably thought she could get over all this shit just by deciding to not be a pussy.

Sky rolled her eyes at that thought.

Demetri had told her how sensei had once said he didn't know what 'the spectrum' was, but that Hawk needed to get off it, pronto. As if such a thing could be done!

If sensei knew about her ADHD, her anxiety disorder, her PTSD... Hell, he probably would've thought those were band names, not diagnoses.

And what of it?

Maybe that's the healthy way of thinking. Am I really going to let this shit drag me down for the rest of my life? Am I really going to be just my diagnoses, and nothing more?

Kat would fucking kick my ass, and tell me to stop whining and just go back to Karate, like right now.

Sky dropped the envelope into a mailbox, stopped at a minimart to grab a drink, and then ran back home. Her feet were light in her sneakers, the movement felt easy and natural - and suddenly she realized she had come a long way from the first, desperate try of a jog last fall when she had only managed a 15-minute run down the street.

That made her think.

It hadn't been easy, the training had been brutal and it had forced her to sweat and cry out her pain. It had pushed her at the edge of her endurance, and often past it too. Running away from the rabid dogs at that junkyard a month ago or so had been so fucking hard and terrifying, and yet so awesome—

I fucking miss it.

I miss feeling like I'm a badass.

She was barely out of breath when she stopped at the front of her house, stretching her legs a bit on the front steps.

The night was breathtakingly beautiful - it was spring already, the air was fresh and full of the scent of flowers, grass, and fresh leaves. She heard the birds, the cicadas, and other small creatures of the night, thought of the bats crawling out of their hiding places and stretching their leather wings as they surged for the skies. Suddenly Sky's heart was filled with it all, with the life surrounding her, with new beginnings and opportunities, the future that was hers for the taking.

She took a deep breath and savored it all for a moment, her heartbeat strong and steady and raw in her chest. The sweat dried on her skin, forming a thin coat of salt on her face, but she didn't even notice.

If I'm gonna do it, I'd better do it now - before I lose courage.

She walked in, just to grab the car keys and to tell Dad she'd be gone for half an hour or so.