Before I Forget

Freefall

The grief often came unexpectedly.

It hit Sky like a trainwreck when she was brushing her teeth the next morning - the sudden, gut-wrenching realization that Kat was gone and that she was never coming back.

Of course, the pain was always there in the back of her mind, but these sudden moments of piercing agony hit her from time to time, and always without a warning.

This had been coming since yesterday, though. Since the flashback she'd had about her and Kat sparring at the capoeira studio, or maybe even before that, since last week when the letter had arrived in the post, the letter she still hadn't opened.

Still, the pain left her breathless, blinded.

Kat was gone and she was never coming back.

It felt like Sky was missing a body part, like her inner organs were ripped out through her throat.

She spat to the sink, fighting nausea, rinsed her toothbrush, and tossed it into the mug on the shelf below the mirror. There was blood in her spit, amongst the white foam which swirled down the drain, and again Sky was thinking about red splatters on white sneakers—

She raised her eyes to the mirror, her reflection was pale, her eyes still puffy and red-rimmed, even after the cold shower she had taken to wake up.

With a sigh, she ran some water into her hands and washed her face. The effect of the drug still lingered, she felt drowsy and unattached. The only thing that felt real was that Kat was gone, that she was never coming back—

It's my fault.

It should have been me.

Last night's flashback had woken up something in Sky's mind, memories she had almost thought forgotten. Kat's smile, the feeling of her hand in her own, palm against sweaty palm. The sound of her laughter, the way she squinted her onyx eyes when she smirked at Sky.

"See you at lunch, bitch!"

"Lol, I hope they have pizza."

Sky dried her face in the towel, tossed it on the floor, and shambled her tired feet out of the bathroom naked. Her gi lay crumpled on the floor, blood had stained one sleeve, but Sky just stepped over the pile of clothes and went for her drawer.

Her mind was still in Kat, as she went through her drawer of comfy outfits. She wasn't going to bother dressing up - it was almost noon, too late to go to school. And she wasn't going to go to karate either, never again, she couldn't take the shame, could not face Sensei Lawrence again after the fiasco of yesterday when she had let her guard down and the image of Kat had slipped into her mind—

Kat.

Again, the feeling of her heart being torn to shreds and thrown to the wind. Sky swallowed it down, swallowed the pain and the bile and the bitter, foul taste on her lips.

I'm not gonna fall again. I can't take it, not another flashback—

She breathed in and out, in and out. Four counts in, six out - just like her therapist had taught her. The pain subsided enough for her to pull on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt.

She was so tired of falling. So fucking tired. She had been in this freefall for almost a year now, and yes - there had been good moments too, moments when she had almost stopped falling, moments when she'd been safe and happy, floating in Hawk's arms, but still - her life was nothing but a downwards spiral, she was plummeting down towards the cold, tiled floor, the light at the end of this tunnel nothing but the front lights of the approaching train, and she wanted it to end!