Before I Forget

Say Something

Okay, the title is thanks to the amazing 'shayshaybot'!

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Sky was curled up on her side, under the covers, the heavy curtains of her bed drawn shut, the lamp turned off, in the same soft darkness that had always taken care of her when she had wanted nothing but death.

That deathwish was on her again, and oh, it was so hard to not act on it.

If only she'd been the one to bleed out on that cold, tiled floor, then she'd be in a darkness even more profound than what this bed offered her, and she wouldn't have to feel anything anymore.

Because it hurt, it hurt so much that she could barely breathe.

To think, that it had been only yesterday when she'd been making out with Hawk on this very bed–

It felt like years ago now, but Sky could still smell the chocolate ice cream that had melted and stained her carpet, and could still smell Hawk's scent - steel, salt, a trace of his aftershave in her sheets.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! So fucking stupid of me.

She should've known that after what she'd told him yesterday, he would see her as a slut too. As a stupid slut, who was cheating on him with his friend the moment she had the chance–

She'd been so mad at him in school, so mad, but now that anger had faded and only left behind an endless self-loathe, sorrow, and fatigue.

So stupid of me to think that anyone could love me, after what I've done.

She buried her face into the pillow, and let the tears fall, let them soak through the pink My Little Pony pillowcase, her favorite one.

Hawk had said he liked her. He had held her close to his chest and she had heard the uneven beat of his heart, had felt his arms around her body - so warm, so safe. Had it all been a lie? Was he just like every other guy - only wanting to get into her pants, because he knew she was easy, that she was a slut, that she was the girl who would grope him in an empty classroom but nothing more?

That's what Matt had thought about her.

He'd been so jealous - always nagging at her if she as much as talked to another guy. Hell, he'd been jealous of Kat too - always demanding Sky that she should spend less time with her, and more time with him. He'd been so sure that she was cheating on him, even when she hadn't been, even when she'd been so much in love and so faithful—

Sky's phone made the soft blip that meant a message had arrived, and she opened her puffy, swollen eyelids. The phone was next to her head on the pillow, and she picked it up, the blue light of the screen hurting her sore eyes.

A message from Demetri.

With a sigh, Sky opened their message strand and a picture popped onto her screen - a picture of Hawk, looking all miserable, giving puppy eyes to her through the phone.

A text followed:

Demetri: eli says he's really sorry

sorry - I meant hawk

Sky's stomach turned, she felt like she was going to throw up as the anger stirred in her again. What was wrong with these guys? Did they think this was some kind of a joke? Did they think that one cute photo would make Sky get over what had happened?

She was here crying her eyes out, wanting to fucking die—

Here she was, thinking about the pills in their bottles in the locked cabinet in the bathroom, the sweet, sharp razor blades Dad had found hidden in her room and confiscated, the dull knives in the kitchen drawers. Thinking about the bullet that had so unfairly left her alive and taken Kat instead, making everything wrong, insufferable, a never-ending agony.