Deepest Desire

82- Clearing Hearts

~ Eileen ~

I was in my room, my perturbation for Sebastian was increasing day by day, he was spending more time at work, not coming home. Holding me but not speaking anything.

His condition was worrying me too much and I wanted to make him speak but he refused to until he made Dave pay for what he did.

Honestly, I couldn't believe Ruben was gone. He was here yesterday and now...

Sighing, I was combing my hair, getting ready for bed. I had no idea when Sebastian was going to come and I felt exhausted.

But, the moment they put the brush down, Sebastian came in a terrible condition. He slammed opened the door causing me to flinch at the sudden call.

"Eileen..." He was not drunk but something else was plastered on his face. Rising from my seat, I turned to him, coming closer.

"Sebas-"

I was about to cup his cheek but he took my wrist and pressed his index finger on my lips.

"Shh. Come."

Leading me to our bed, he made me sit. Narrowing my eyes in bewilderment and concern, I cupped his cheek as he sat on the ground again.

I hate it when he sits in my footsteps. He doesn't belong there.

Bending his knees, he stared at my face deeply, holding my hands hopelessly, pressing them harder into his skin.

"You're so exquisite, you know? My Protector..." Murmuring, he was panting, eyes clouded with thick unfathomable clouds I was unable to decode.

"Are you alright?" Asking hesitantly, I shifted closer.

His lips began to quiver, shaking his head in denial and moving his hand slowly to my laps, holding my baggy shirt tightly.

"Eileen... Do you think I was a bad brother? What am I saying? I definitely am." Chuckling dryly, he looked down, impotent to meet my eyes.

"No, you were not. Don't say this..." Sighing, I caressed his cheeks, reassuring him but to no avail. He convinced himself he was.

"You kept telling me that day to tell him that I love him but I didn't and now he is no longer here...." Closing his eyes, a tear rolled down his cheek and after countless struggles to keep his calm.

He broke.

"I couldn't hug him, I couldn't tell him I love him, I couldn't protect him. I failed as an elder brother."

Breaking into a wail, tears began to roll down his cheek, sharing his deepest regret with me. Shedding pity, I wanted to steal his sorrow away, the sound of his sob, was heartbreaking.

"Sometimes you don't have to say, the other person understands. How I did that you love me." Whispering, I leaned down to kiss his head helping him to soothe down.

But he kept sobbing, the way he gripped my shirt, it was so tight, he felt utterly miserable for reaching this point. I cannot imagine his pain.

He lost his brother when he needed him the most.

"He knows, Sebastian... He knows." I didn't want him to cry but I forced him to stop this sound, that guilt would gobble him so I let him release his anguish.

"Do you think he would know...?" Sniffling, he asked innocently, tears glistening on his cheeks.

Wiping them with my knuckles, I nodded, returning a smile but witnessing his cry, pricked a tear in my eyes too.