How I survived in an all boys glade

Chapter Thirty-nine

- exposed? -

Five months have passed since the maze incident, and I've finally managed to regain some sense of normalcy. I can walk again, even if it's with a slight limp, but it's progress. The nightmares and flashbacks still haunt me, though, and I find myself in the deadheads more often than I'd like to admit, hoping that the peace of nature will help calm my mind.

Today, I'm sitting against a tree, sketchbook in hand, trying to escape the terrible images that still fill my thoughts—images of the Grievers, the maze, and the outside world I don't even fully understand. As I work on the sketch, trying to forget the horrors, I don't even notice someone approaching until I hear a familiar voice.

"Hey, she-bean."

I startle, quickly slamming my sketchbook shut and looking up at Newt, heart racing. "Oh, sorry," he says with an apologetic smile. "Didn't mean to startle you."

I take a shaky breath, trying to calm my nerves. "It's okay. I was just... lost in thought." The fear from the memories still lingers, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully shake it off.

"I can see that." Newt chuckles as he leans against the tree beside me. I glance up at him, taking in the familiar sight—his messy blonde hair, his comforting green eyes, and the freckles scattered across his nose and cheeks. It's easy to feel safe when he's around, but in moments like this, I feel vulnerable.

"What are you drawing?" he asks, nodding toward my sketchbook.

I hesitate, my heart racing again. I don't want him to see what's inside—the maze, the creatures, the terrifying images from my memories. "Oh, uhm..." My voice is shaky as I try to downplay it. "It's nothing really, just some random doodles."

But Newt isn't convinced. "Come on, She-bean. You don't have to hide it from me," he says gently, before grabbing the sketchbook out of my hands before I can stop him.

Fear clutches at my chest as he flips through the pages, seeing all the detailed sketches I've done—drawings of the maze, the Grievers, the terror of the outside world I can't seem to forget. I get up from the ground, feeling exposed and vulnerable as he looks at each page. His expression shifts with every new drawing, from confusion to sadness, and I can't bear it.

"Y/n..." he says softly as he reaches the last page, the one I had been working on before he came up behind me. His voice is full of empathy and sadness. "I... I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you guys. I was scared of what you might think... I—"

I try to apologize, my voice cracking as I struggle to explain. "I—I'm sorry, I just didn't know how to tell you all. I was scared... I didn't want you to hate me, or think I was... broken." But Newt cuts me off before I can say more, pulling me into a tight hug.

For a moment, I just stand there, frozen in shock. I thought he would pull away, maybe tell Alby, or worse, have me sent away. But instead, he holds me, his arms strong around me. Slowly, I allow myself to sob into his chest, finally letting out the tears I had been holding back for so long.

"It's okay," Newt whispers, his voice soothing. "You don't have to apologize for anything. You were scared when you came here, scared of what we would do because you didn't know us. But you're safe now, Y/n."

"I—I don't know what to do anymore," I sob. "I'm scared. I'm scared that we'll never get out of here, that we'll be stuck forever... and these images, they just keep haunting me. I can't get them out of my head. I'm terrified of what might happen if we don't make it out."

Newt tightens his hold on me, his voice steady and reassuring. "It's okay. I promise we'll find a way out of here. We'll make it through this, together."

His words bring some comfort, and I pull back slightly, wiping my eyes. "Thank you, Newt," I say softly. "But please... don't tell anyone about this." I look up at him, my eyes pleading. "I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"Of course, love," Newt says with a soft smile, nodding in understanding. "You don't have to worry about that."

I let out a relieved sigh, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. "But..." Newt adds, his tone changing slightly, "You do have to tell the others about it at some point. They'll want to know. And you don't have to go through this alone."

I nod slowly, knowing he's right. It's just so hard to open up, to face everything I've been hiding for so long. But if I want to heal, I know it's something I'll have to do eventually.

"Yeah," I say quietly. "I know."