Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 1: Different

I laid on my bed with a pounding headache.
Thin blankets latching me to the hard mattress.
My deep breaths disappearing into nothing.
A small light shinning through the window barricaded by thick metal bars.
The room, echoing with silence.
The air, freezing cold.
White walls, surrounding me.
Concrete floor, beneath me.
The smell, undefined.
My mind, clouded.

Same boring qualities, a different day.
Forever, trapped.
Forever, lost.

Unsettling, noise.
Noise, painful.
Painful, life.
Life, meaningless.

The door, slowly opening.
The nurse, dressed in white.
The cup, medication filled, but still the same boring qualities, a different day.
The medication, flavorless.
The water, warm.
The therapist...... Different.

"Hello." Stated the therapist whom I do not recognize.
I sit up, "Hello, who are you?"
"I'm Dr. Varrence." A smile is flashed.
I take the blankets off, "Why are you here?"
"I'm going to be your new therapist."

The nurse, leaves.
The door, shut.
The atmosphere, uneasy.

I stand up, "Why? Where's Dr. Reid?"
"He's been assigned elsewhere."
I walk to the window, "I don't like change."
"I understand but I'm sure we'll get along fine."
I walk to the door, "No."
"No?"
I walk to the bed, "I want Dr. Reid."
"I don't know what to tell you... Why don't you sit down and we can talk a bit. Maybe if you get to know me you'll like me?"
I remain standing, "No, I want Dr. Reid!"
"Please, give me a chance?"
I furrow my eyebrows, "No. I don't want to."
"I'm trying to help you."
I walk to a corner in the room, "You can't help me."
"Why not?"
I sit in the corner, "Because you can't.
You don't know me. You don't know my past. You don't know my future. You don't know my interests or hobbies. You don't know my brain. You know nothing about me and you never will."
"Why can't I know anything about you?"
I stare blankly ahead, "Because if I were to tell you, you would be scared. If I told you things that happened in the past or what I see my future as, you would be scared. If I told you my interests or hobbies, you wouldn't be scared but you wouldn't care. If I told you my brain, you would be terrified. I can't get close, to anyone. I don't want to scare them and I don't want to get attached."
"Why don't you want to get attached?"
I hug my knees, "Because if I get attached, I start to care and if I start to care, I start to trust and if I start to trust, I'll get hurt."
"How will you get hurt?"
I rest my hands on my knees, "Because I'll trust, care for and be attached to someone, and then they'll leave, even if they say they won't leave, they always do."
"Hmmm okay."
I stand up, "I want you to leave."
"You want me to leave?"
I walk to the bed,"yes."
"Why do you want me to leave? We still have ten minutes together. Are you sure you don't want to talk? We don't have to talk about you."
I sit on the bed, "What do you mean?"
"We could talk about anything... Sports, animals, music, art.... We could even talk about me if you want."
I rest my back against the wall, "okay, I want to talk about you."
"Okay what do you want to know?"
I take a moment to think, "Why did you want to become a therapist?"
"Hmmm, good question... I think I became a therapist so I could help people."
I look around the room, "How old are you?"
"Thirty-six."
I close my eyes and take a deep breath, "What's your thoughts on life?"
"My thoughts on life? I'm not sure I understand completely."
I exhale, "Do you think there's a purpose to life? Do you think its worth it? Do you think there's more to it then just waking up to go back to sleep? What do you think it means to 'live'?"
"Those are some very deep questions Tyler. I can tell you do a lot of thinking.... Before I answer your questions can I ask you one?"
I open my eyes, "Depends on what the question is."
"What are your answers to those questions?"
I look at Dr. Varrence, "I don't want to answer."

The room, silent.
The atmosphere, uncomfortable.
The air, still freezing cold.

"Okay, well I think our time is just about up for today. Will I see you tomorrow?"
I think for a moment, "Do I have a choice?"
"In a way."
I stand up,"What do you mean 'in a way'?"
"Well you have no choice in whether or not I come here but you do have a choice In whether or not you choose to acknowledge me and you have a choice whether or not to speak to me."
I walk to the window, " Hmm.. Interesting."
"So will I see you tomorrow?"
I turn to look at her, "Maybe."

Dr. Varrence, gone.
The door, shut.
The room, echoing with silence.
White walls, surrounding me.
Concrete floor, beneath me.
The smell, undefined.

My mind, loud.