Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 9: Opening Up

Ugh blurrys back again. He came back at around 4am and I've been up ever since.

The nurse walks through the door along with Dr. Varrence. Crap.... Dr. Varrence wanted me to talk today.
I don't want to.

I take my medicine and the nurse leaves. Now its just me and Dr. Varrence..... And blurry.

"Hey Tyler how are you today?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know?"
"Blurrys back again... I don't really want to talk about him tho."
"Yesterday you said you would start telling me things today."
"I know... I just hate talking about him.... And he hates when I talk about him.. Actually he hates when I talk at all."
'YES I DO SO SHUT UP!'
"Does he now?"
"Yes.. He says I'm annoying and no one wants to hear my annoying voice."
'YOU ARE VERY ANNOYING JUST STOP TALKING ALREADY!'
"I don't think your annoying."
'YES SHE DOES EVERYONE DOES'
"Blurry says you do."
"Did he just say that now?"
"Yes."
"So basically your having two conversations right now."
"Yeah kinda."
"How does blurry make you feel?"
'DON'T ANSWER THAT!'
"He doesn't want me to answer."
"Whats he going to do if you do answer?"
'TRY IT AND YOU'LL FIND OUT'
"He told me to try it if I want to find out."
"Hmm... Do you feel threatened by blurry?"
'NO TALKING JUST SHUT UP YOUR NOT ALLOWED TO ANSWER HER!'
I remained quiet cause I do in fact feel threatened by him.
"Tyler?"
I swallowed nervously.
"Tyler???"
"H-he doesn't want me to talk to you." I whispered.
'WHAT DID I SAY?'
"Oh.. Does blurry not like me?"
'NO I HATE HER!'
"He says he hates you."
"Hmm why does he hate me?"
'.......'
"I don't know.. He's not answering."
"Does that mean he's gone?"
"No he's still there he just won't talk."
'MAYBE YOU CAN LEARN A FEW THINGS AND STOP TALKING YOURSELF!'
"Oh..."
"He just talked.. But he only told me to stop talking."
"Hmm.... Tyler I want you to answer my questions when I ask them... Ignore blurry.. Okay?"
'YOU BETTER NOT!'
"I.. Um.. Okay."
'I SWEAR TYLER!'
"Okay good.... First question how does he make you feel?"
'TYLER!!!'
"He m-makes me feel scared... Small, worthless.... S-stuff like that."
'WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME? STOP!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD YOU TO STOP TALKING AND TO NOT ANSWER HER AND WHAT DO YOU DO? THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!'
I grip the sides of my head "AHHHH Stop!" I cry.
"Stop what Tyler?"
"Blurry i-i want him to stop... It hurts."
'I'M NOT GOING TO STOP!!!!!!!!!! AND GOOD IT'S SUPPOSED TO HURT!!!!!!!'
"What hurts?"
"My head.. He's yelling and it hurts."
"He's hurting you?"
"Yes!"
'STOP ANSWERING HER NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Tears form in my eyes "stop, please stop."
'I WILL WHEN YOU APOLOGIZE. AND START LISTENING!!!!!'
"Okay I'm sorry please!"
"Tyler Whats going on?"
'DON'T ANSWER'
I don't.. I just sit on my bed as tears roll down my cheeks.
'STOP CRYING YOU WHIMP'
I wipe my eyes.
"Tyler??"
"I'm not allowed to talk to you."
"Why not?"
"He doesn't want me to."
"I want you to.... Second question you have to answer okay? How long has blurry been around?"
'NO TALKING'
"A while ... As long as I can remember."
'WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!?!?!?'
"Hmm... Yesterday you told me you tried to kill yourself already.. Correct?"
I nodded.
"Did blurry have anything to do with that?"
"Yes... He's the one that made me do it."
'YOU SHOULD DO IT AGAIN MAYBE THIS TIME YOU CAN ACTUALLY SUCCEED!'
"He wants me to do it again."
"Do you want to do it again?"
'CHANGE THE SUBJECT I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING ABOUT ME ANYMORE'
"Sometimes.... Can we talk about something else?... Please." I begged.

"Okay.. I talked to them about letting Josh help you paint the walls... It took a lot of convincing but they agreed."
"Really?"
"Yup"
'YOU KNOW JOSH HATES YOU RIGHT? HE JUST FEELS BAD FOR YOU'
"No he doesn't." I whisper
"What?"
"Blurry said Josh hates me... He doesn't.. Does he?"
"I don't think so."
'HE DOES AND YOU KNOW IT'
"Please go away."
'FINE BUT I'LL BE BACK LATER!!'
"Wait...that was unexpectedly... easy"
"Is he gone?"
"Yeah."
"Okay... What do you want to talk about now?"
"Did you know that I don't want to be here?"
"No I didn't... Why don't you want to be here?"
"Because I hate it here.. I can't do anything I used to do and it sucks.. I'm trapped in this room the majority of the day with nothing to do. I can't watch tv or play video games or draw or even play music."
"You play music?"
"I used to but I'm not allowed anymore.... I used to have a piano in my basement that I always played... Its not there anymore so even if they do release me I can't play it anymore."
"Where did it go?"
"My parents sold it after I came here."
"Oh..."

"There's times where I just want to run... I don't know where I want to run to I just feel like running for as long as I can...... There's times where I don't want any interaction with anyone but at the same time I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm going to be okay.... There's times where I get really mad and I have no idea why and it scares me..... There's times where I consider asking the nurses for more medication in hopes I'll overdose just so I won't have to be here anymore...... There's times where I want everything to go back to the way it used to be and times where I just want to be normal but I know I never will be... I know there's something wrong with me and I hate it cause it makes people pity me and feel like they have to do certain things because I am this way.... I just really hate my life."
"Why are you telling me all this?"
"Because you wanted me to tell you stuff... You wanted me to open up to you so I am... I know I'm pretty messed up.. That's why I didn't want to tell you anything."
"Your not messed up Tyler."
"Yes I am.. Don't say that I'm not .. I know I am."
"I'm really glad your telling me things."
"In sixth grade I started talking to blurry in the middle of class and everyone thought it was weird so some boys in the class beat me up... In ninth grade I had an episode in the middle of class and no one talked to me after not even the teachers they all ignored me.... In tenth grade my mom pulled me out of school because I had a really bad episode the first first day and I attacked the principal."
"You attacked the principal... Why?"
"Because he told me that I wasn't a normal kid so I wasn't allowed to do a lot of the things the other kids could. I got mad at him and almost chocked him to death.... I realise now that he was right.... I'm not normal."
"You've had a pretty hard life so far haven't you?"
"I guess... I wasn't allowed to leave my house because my parents were scared I'd have an episode and attack a stranger."
"Hmm.... Do you remember the first day we met? ... You asked me what my thoughts on life were.. Do you remember that?"
"Yes... You still haven't answered."
"I know... But neither have you... I asked you what your thoughts were and you didn't answer... I have the questions you asked written down.. Do you think you could answer them today?"
"... No... Tomorrow... I'll answer them tomorrow because you only have a few minutes left with me and it's going to take a while to answer."
"Okay thank you for talking to me today."
"Your welcome. When can me and Josh start painting the walls?"
"They said if he comes to visiting hours today you guys can start then."
"Okay... See you tomorrow."
"Bye."

All by myself again.. That is until visiting hours but that's still a while away.