Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 47: I Want To Go Home

I sat on the edge of the bed waiting for the guard to come to take me to the visiting room.
Dr. Varrence had called my parents and they agreed to come.
A few minutes passed before Kenny came in.
"Hey Tyler you ready to go?"
"Yeah."
I slowly stood up and followed Kenny through the halls.
When we walked into the visiting room my parents were sat at our table.
We walked over.
My mom looked up at me before quickly standing up and grabbing the sides of my face as I started crying.
"Hey sweetheart whats wrong? Why are you crying?"
I leaned into her and wrapped my arms around her as shaky breaths passed my lips.
I was trying my best to not fully break down in front of everyone but I failed when both my mom and dad wrapped their arms around me.
Loud sobs racked from my body.
"Hey hey shh. Your okay."
I buried my face in my moms neck and gripped the back of her shirt.
My tears stained my moms shirt.
"Tyler why are you crying? Is everything okay?" my dad asked.
When I didn't answer my mom pulled back to look at me.
My lip quivered as I stared back.
"Tyler whats wrong?"
I looked at the floor.
"I miss you." I whispered.
"Oh sweetheart."
She grabbed me and pulled me back into a hug.
By now everyone in the visiting room was looking at us.
Some were wearing sympathetic expressions while other were confused as to why I was crying in the first place.
"Ty?"
Josh's voice came from behind me.
I quickly turned around.
"Are you okay?" he asked wiping my tears.
I started off nodding my head yes but quickly switched to shaking it no as fresh tears fell.
"C-can we all go to my room please?"
"Yes of course sweetie."
Me, Josh, mom and dad then made our way to my room.
Once there I started crying again.
Josh pulled me into his chest.
"Shh it's okay. Want to tell me whats wrong?"
"I want to go home. I want to go home right now. I can't stay here any more I can't. I-i just can't."
"Tyler you have to stay here until you get better."
"I can't get better! I never will! I've excepted it why can't everyone else?!"
"Tyler don't talk like that."
"I want to go home. I hate it here. Mom please. Tell them to let me go home please."
"I can't do that hunny."
I squeezed my eyes shut.
"Fine."
I pushed away from Josh and crawled onto the bed, wincing slightly because I forgot to be careful with my ribs.
"Tyler?"
I turned so I was facing the wall.
"Tyler? You know-"
"Just leave it alone."
"Tyl-"
"I said leave it alone!"
"Don't you raise your voice at your mother!"
I closed my eyes and sighed through my nose.

'THEY HATE YOU!'
"Shut up."
"Excuse me young man? What did you just say?"
"I wasn't talking to you!"
"Then who were you talking to?!"
"Blurry you idiot!"
"Tyler Robert Joseph I will not tolerate you talking to me in this way!"
"Then leave!"
I sat up and stared at him angrily.
"It's not like you actually wanted to come see me anyway! You only came because you didn't want Dr. Varrence to think you don't care about your son! You didn't want to come see me in the first place so leave! Don't come back I don't care anymore!"
"Tyler that's not true."
'YES IT IS!!'
I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my forehead on them and running both my hands through my hair and down my neck.
"I'm done."
"What do you mean your done?"
"I'm done. I'm done with this shitty life. I don't want to be here. I'm just done."
"Tyler don't talk like that."
"Why not? It's not like you would actually care if I did kil-"
"Tyler stop it! Stop talking like that. Don't you dare leave me. Don't leave me Tyler."
"Stop acting like you care!"
"I do care! I fucking love you! Why can't you believe that?"
"Because I can't believe you. I understand you but I can't believe you."
"Why not? Tyler why not?"
"You don't understand! No one understands."
"Understands what Tyler? What don't I understand?"
"Me. You don't understand me."
"Then help me understand god dammit."
I shook my head and looked up to met Josh's gaze.

"Tyler?"
"You don't understand that I have to literally fight my way through everyday. You don't understand that I'm trying to get better, I really am but I just keep getting worse and I hate it. You don't understand that whenever someone tells me something blurry tells me the exact opposite and I never know who to believe. You don't understand that I hate myself. I really hate myself."
"Tyler-"
"I've never had a normal childhood. I've never been able to do normal kid things. I'll never be normal and I hate that. I hate it here. I hate it."
"Tyler stop."
"No! You wanted me to tell you so your gonna listen!"
"Ty-"
"No! You wanna know what goes on in my mind?!"
No one said anything.
"Do you!!!??"
"Tyler stop screaming."
I swallowed the spit in my mouth as tears kept falling.
"You see? This is why I don't tell people anything cause they don't care. They want to know but when I start to tell them they tell me to stop."
Josh walked over to me and tried to hug me.
"No. Don't."
Josh did anyway.
I didn't know I needed that.
I quickly gripped onto Josh.
"Were going to figure this all out."
"How?"
"I don't know yet but everythings gonna work out okay? You'll be okay."
I took deep breaths trying to calm myself down.
"I'm sorry."
"Shh. You've got a lot going on in your head. You don't need to be sorry."
"But I am. I'm sorry. This is why I hate myself. I can't control myself then I end up getting angry and sad and all these other things all at once and then I don't know what to do so I start yelling and .... I'm sorry."
"It's okay... Please stop saying those things though, about you wanting to die and you hating yourself stop with that please."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop saying sorry. I just don't like when you talk like that."
"I'm sorry."
"Tyler Stop saying sorry."
"Sor- I mean okay."

Josh pulled back and sat next to me on the bed.
I looked up at my parents.
My mom opened her arms, silently asking for a hug.
I stood up and let her wrap her arms around me.
We stood there for a few minutes.
"Are you okay now?"
Mom pulled back and grabbed my shoulder lightly.
I shook my head no slightly, no emotion in my expression.
"Okay.. Well whats wrong?"
I shrugged.
I don't know whats wrong. I just don't feel 'okay'.
"Shrugging doesn't help."
"Well what am I supposed to do?"
"Give a verbal yes or no answer."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know whats wrong.. I'm just not..... I'm not happy... I could be sad but I'm not sure. I might be angry.. I just don't know."
"What would you have to be angry about?"
"Again.. I don't know.. It's just how I am.. Rarely do I ever know whats actually going on with me, most of the time I'm just completely confused and have no clue what I'm supposed to do. Every time I have an episode or something I get scared cause I don't know what's happening or why I get so upset over something.... I'm scared one day I'm going to hurt someone really bad without a reason."
"Kinda like you did with your old principal?"
"Yeah... But worse... I don't want to hurt anyone mom. I don't."
"I know you don't, you just have to try to control it."
"I can't control it though. I already hurt Josh."
"How did you hurt Josh?"
Josh stood up and put his arm around my shoulders.
"Don't worry about that Tyler. I'm okay."
He said as he pressed a kiss to my temple.
"What happened?"
"Tyler elbowed me in the nose the other day during one of his episodes."
"I didn't mean to."
"I know. It's not your fault."
"But you were bleeding."
"Tyler I promise you I'm fine."
"But-"
"I'm fine."
I nodded.

"I still want to go home."
"I know but you can't until their convinced that your better."
I sighed and flopped backwards onto the bed.
"Yeah.. I know."
Josh frowned.
I sat up, pecked his lips then rested my forehead against his.
We stared into each others eyes for a few minutes.
"Tyler.. Visiting hours are almost over."
"...yeah... I know."
"We should probably get going."
"Yeah.."
I moved away from Josh and stood up.
I guess I stood up too fast, or maybe to abruptly, cause pain shot through my ribs and I sat back down on the bed.
"Are you okay?"
"My ribs."
"Oh right."
"Wait what happened to your ribs?"
"A security guard tackled him the same day he elbowed me in the nose cause he left the room and was running through the halls."
"So the guard hurt him?"
"Yeah.. His rib is fractured."
"Oh are you okay sweetie?"
I nodded and stood up again but slower and more careful this time.
I gave both my mom and dad a hug then they left.

I turned to walk back to the bed but was met with Josh hugging me.
I looked up at him, he gently grabbed my chin and kissed me.
"You want to lay down for a bit?"
I nodded.