Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 3: Paint

I woke up today with another headache.
The thin blankets latching me to the bed again.
My deep breaths disappearing into nothing.
A small light shining through the window.
The room, echoing with silence.
The air, freezing cold..... It's always cold.
White walls, surrounding me... I wish I had some paint to change that..... That would be the only thing I'm willing to change but only if I got to paint it.
Concrete floor, beneath me.
The smell, undefined.
My mind, clouded.

It's the same every morning.
The door, opening.
The nurse dressed in white.
The cup, filled with medication.
The water, warm.
The therapist, that's the only thing that's different and I hate it.

"Good morning Tyler. How are you today?" Dr. Varrence asks.
" ... I don't know."
"You don't know? Also thanks for talking to me."
I sit up, "well I do know but it's complicated to explain."
"Why don't you try to explain it to me?"
I stand up, "well I'm not happy.... But I'm not sad.... I'm not angry either."
"Hmm interesting."
I walk to the window, "yes very interesting..... Do you think they'll let me paint the walls?"
"Paint the walls? Why?"
I walk to the door, "I don't know.. I like drawing but I'm not allowed to have pens or pencils."
"Why not?"
I walk to the bed, "I don't know.. Something about me hurting myself or something."
"Oh... But wouldn't that be change? I thought you didn't like change."
I sit on the bed, "I don't.. But I want to paint the walls."
"Hmmm I'll see what I can do."
I look at her, "wait seriously?"
"Yeah, I think painting the walls would be a good way for you to express your feelings and thoughts instead of having them locked inside."
I smile," thank you."

"Okay so I want to talk about somethings that happened yesterday after I left if that's okay with you."
I'm not smiling anymore. "I don't want to." I whisper.
"Why not?.... Do you feel bad about what happened during visiting hours?"
I just stare at her. I'm going to pretend she's not here like she said yesterday I have a choice to do that.
I look away and stand up again, walking to the window, then the door, then the bed and sitting down.
This is something I repeat all the time in the same order.. I'm not sure why but I do it.
"Okay I see you Don't want to talk to me now..... How about you ask me some questions? You know like we did yesterday."
I lean against the wall, "Do you have any children?"
"Yes... I have two little boys."
I close my eyes, "How old are they?"
"Nine and six."
I stand up, "What are their names?"
"Jacob and Evan."
I walk to the window, "I feel like your a good mom."
"Thank you."
I walk to the door, "Are my siblings afraid of me?"
"I'm not sure.... why are you asking?"
I walk to the bed, "yesterday at visiting hours my mom said she didn't bring them because she was scared I'd freak out again. I think that she thinks I'll hurt them."
"Would you hurt them?"
I sit down, " well no... Not intentionally."
"What do you mean by that."
I stand up, "if I did hurt them I wouldn't mean to.. I never meant to."
"Are you saying you already did?"
I sit in a corner, "no... I think I might have scared them though."
"Why do you think that?"
I hug my knees, " before I came here... Maybe like two or three months before I came here I had an episode around them and ever since they've been different around me."
"Maybe you just took them by surprise?"
I stand up, "I don't know."

"Why do you keep moving around?"
I walk to the bed, " I don't know.. It's just something I always do..."
I sit down, " I sit up, walk to the window, walk to the door, walk to the bed, I sit down, I stand up, sit in a corner, hug my knees, stand up, walk to the bed, sit down and repeat."
"Why do you think you do this?"
I stand up, "I'm not sure.. It just feels weird if I don't."
"Ohh... Are you ready to talk about what happened yesterday?"
I walk to the window but remain quiet.

A few minutes pass and I've repeated my walking around method at least three times. "There was a boy there."
"A boy where?"
I sit down, "in the visiting room."
"Oh okay... Can you try to stay seated for a bit?"
I nod. "Um but this boy though... I've never seen him here before and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him."
"What did this boy look like?"
I shift a bit from being uncomfortable but I remain seated, "um he had bright yellow hair... Not blonde... yellow like it was dyed. He had a nose ring and some really cool tattoos.. He was about my age.. He kept staring at me while I was crying.... Also he smiled at me before I left."
"Hmm interesting... Do you want to tell me exactly what happened that made you start crying?"
I thought for a moment.. What did happen? , "um I don't remember what happened."
"That's okay."
I want to move. " um can I move yet?"
"You've only been sitting a few minutes. Try for a few more."

My leg starts bouncing up and down.
I start replaying our conversation so far.... I'm starting to open up to her... I can't do that, " I want you to leave."
"You want me to leave? We were doing so well."
I stand up.. I can't sit any longer, "that's the problem were doing too well." I walk to the window, "like I said yesterday I can't get close to people."
"You feel as though your getting close to me?"
I walk to the door, " yes... I don't want to... I don't want to scare you and I'm scared if we continue talking I'll say something that scares you. Your too nice of a person for me to do that."
I walk to the bed.
"You won't scare me if you tell me things.. Keeping your feelings inside like you are isn't good."
I sit down, "if I won't scare you tell me why Dr. Reid left after I told him something?"
"What do you mean?"
I stand up, " the day before you came I told Dr. Reid something and after I told him he ended the session and now he's gone..... Everyone I meet leaves after a while. So if you want to leave you can... They'll just assign me a new therapist that will eventually leave and so on and so forth."
"I'm not going to leave Tyler."
I shiver slightly while walking to the window.
"Are you cold?"
I walk to the door, " yes .. I'm always cold... It's always freezing in here and the blankets they give don't help."
"Hmmm... I'll see what I can do to get it warmer in here."
I walk to the bed and sit down,"why are you so nice to me?"
"Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"
I look at her," I don't know.. Past therapists never let me walk around or give me options whether or not to acknowledge them."
"Well I'm not other therapists.... Thank you for talking to me today Tyler... Our times up though so will I see you tomorrow?"
I stand up, "yes."

The door, shut.
The room, quiet.
My mind, buzzing.

I like Dr. Varrence.
She's not like other therapists I've had.