Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 64: I Got Something For You

I didn't sleep last night.
Or the night before.
Or even the night before that.
I haven't slept since I seen my family.
That was like four days ago or something.
I don't really know I've lost track.
I've tried writing, but I can't get the words out correctly.
Like I know what I want to say, just when it comes to reciting on paper I draw blank.
So here I am sat on the floor in the far corner of the room, under the camera where I can't be seen, my notebook on my lap and pencil in hand.
I'm just staring emptily at the soft white page covered in black straight lines.
My mind is screaming with nonsense.
As usual.
I've been talking to blurry a lot too, when Josh isn't here, just so I have someone to talk to, even if it is a made up voice that echos off the walls of my brain.
Josh is sleeping right now.
I've been talking to him as much as I can too.
We sit for hours and just talk.
Wether it be about random topics or about the tangled mess of my thoughts and feelings.
We talk about the latter the most.
Whenever I get that feeling to hurt someone or myself, or if I feel angry or sad, anything like that, we just sit and talk about it.
It's better then me actual doing some of the things that run through my mind, as much as I want to.

A hand being placed on top of my notebook and slowly pulling it away snaps me out of my thoughts and causes me to jump.
It's just Josh.
He carefully closes the notebook, setting it aside.
"Want to talk?" He whispered as if someone could hear us.
I nodded and allowed him to help me off the floor.
He sat down on the bed, I sat between his thighs, my back pressed to his chest.
"What's on your mind today?"
I sighed.
"A lot of things."
"Like?"
He rested his chin in my shoulder, wrapping his arms around my stomach.
I leaned my head on his and closed my eyes.
"The usual, some new things.... All nonsense though."
"What are some of the new things?"
"It's stupid."
"I don't care."
"I-if I like.. can't get better, like if they never think I'm well enough to leave... Will.. um.. will you leave me?" My eyes were open now.
"No. I would never. I couldn't. Even if I wanted to. I just can't live without you."
I smiled slightly at that.
"What happens if I break and end up hurting someone.. like really badly?"
He let out a deep sigh.
"I don't know."
I nodded.
"Lately.. a lot of things I think about have to do with doubting myself."
"I can see that."
A delicate kiss was barely felt on my neck.
"Blurry says its cause I'm scared."
"You talk to blurry still?"
"Sometimes, mostly when your gone so I have someone to talk to."
"Oh.. he doesn't say anything bad does he? Like he doesn't tell you to hurt anyone right?"
"No he doesn't tell me to do that."
"Good... Why does he say your scared?"
"He says I'm scared that I will mess up."
"Are you?"
"Kinda I guess."
"I see."
It was quiet for a few minutes.

"I-i-i-i've got a migraine, and my pain will range from up down and sideways."
"What?"
"I don't know. Just something I wrote."
"Oh. Keep going I like it."
"Thank God it's Friday cause Fridays will always be better then Sundays cause Sundays are my suicide days. I don't know why they always seem so dismal, thunder storms, cloud snow and a slight drizzle, whether it's the weather or the letters by my bed sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head."
"Is that all you got so far?"
"No I got more."
"Can I hear it?"
I nodded.
"Let it be said what the headache represents, it's me defending in suspense, it's me suspended in a defenseless test, being tested by a ruthless examiner that's represented best by my depressing thoughts. I do not have writer's block my writer just hates the clock, it will not let me sleep I guess I'll sleep when I'm dead and sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head."
I ended it there.
"When did you write that?"
"Yesterday."
"Oh.. it's really good."
I shrugged.
".. when's the last time you slept?"
I didn't answer.
"Tyler."
"A few days ago."
"Get some sleep please."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"My mind's too loud."
"Just try.. for me?"
"Only for you."
He kissed my cheek, letting me relax into him.
He ran his hand through my hair for a while, I found it very soothing and slowly drifted off to the feeling.