Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 65: Brendon

I'm sat on Josh's tummy, admiring him as he played around on his phone.
He smiled and laughed at something before tapping around his screen.
I started to feel angry.
I'm not sure why though.
I tried to calm myself down, using alternatives me and Josh had talked about but it wasn't working.
My hands curled in the fabric of his shirt.
He looked at me, making direct eye contact.
"You ok-"
"Get out."
"Wh-"
"Josh get out."
I could feel myself start to shake.
I moved off him.
He just stared at me.
"Go out i-in the hall."
"Why?"
"Please."
"Ty-"
"Go out in the hall!" I said more frantically then angrily.
He looked at me with wide eyes, quickly standing up, raising his hands in the air and leaving the room.
Once the door was shut I curled into myself trying to calm down.
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it, biting down harshly into it.
I sat for a while, fidgeting and trying not to break anything.
I started crying.
I didn't know what else to do.
Josh must've heard me crying because he slowly came back into the room.
I looked up at him.
He looked at me wearily, like as if he was asking if it was okay to come near me.
I nodded.
He crawled back onto the bed and pulled me into his chest.
"What's wrong? Why'd I have to go outside?"
"Y-you told me if I feel like I can't control it to tell whoever's in the room to leave."
"Oh. Am I okay in here now?"
I nodded.
"I-i got it un-under control."
"Okay."
"I think." I whispered.
"Okay baby.. just tell me to leave again if you need to."
I nodded.
He played with my hair.
I leaned into his touch.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
"For what?"
I shrugged.
"There's nothing for you to be apologizing about."
I nod.

°~°

"No." I laugh.
"Why not?" Josh pouted.
"Because."
"Because why?"
"Josh we are not going to wear pajamas to our wedding."
"But their wayyy more comfy then suits."
"I don't care."
"Fine." He sighed playfully.
"What do you want to wear to our wedding?"
"Suits you goof."
He smiled.
"God I love you."
"I love you too."
"This is my favorite Tyler.. when your happy and don't have a care in the world. Your smile is the best and your laugh... I love your laugh so much."
I pressed my forehead to his and pecked his lips a few times, a smile on my face.
He grabbed the sides if my head, staring me directly in the eyes.
Slowly he kissed me, our eyes falling shut.
I heard the door open and look up pulling away.
"Hello." It's Dr. Varrence.
"Hi."
She smiled at me and Josh.
"You two are the cutest things I swear."
"We try."
I smiled.
"Your in a good mood Tyler."
I nodded.
"Any particular reason why?"
"I'm just happy."
"That's good."
Dr. Varrence sat down in the chair.
"Anything you want to talk about today?"
"Actually yes."
"Okay what is it?"
"I think I might, just might be in love with Josh."
Both Dr. Varrence and Josh smiled at that.
I then got very serious.
"And that's a big deal for me."
"Why is that a big deal for you?"
"Because it's the first time I've ever felt this way... I always shield myself from this kind of stuff.. but for some reason I didn't with Josh and... I'm happy I didn't."
Josh smiled at me rubbing my back slightly.
"But I'm also scared." I added.
"Your scared of love?"
I gave a slight nod.
"Love is... Love is such a big thing. It's giving everything and anything you are and have to this one person and trusting them with it. This gives them opportunity to crush and destroy it at any given moment and that's scary. Trust itself is scary, let alone trusting someone with all you are. With love comes fear and I know most people say love is the strongest emotion, I disagree I think that fear is because there's fear in everything, including love."
They both just stared at me in shock.
A silence falling over us.

"That's a really thought through answer Tyler."
"It happens when thinking is what most of your day consists of. Thinking is a non stop thing for me. I over think everything. I think too much."
Dr. Varrence showed a look of sympathy.
Josh hugged me and pecked my temple.
"Well people who think a lot also ask a lot of questions meaning that they're more wise."
I shrugged.
"Josh?"
"Hm?"
"When we get a house what kind of cat are we getting?"
Josh laughed at the sudden change of subject.
"Whatever kind of cat you want."
"Okay."
"So Tyler is there anything else you want to talk about?"
"No."
"Okay. I'll be going then."
I nodded and gave a little wave.
Once she was gone I turned to Josh and sat on his lap facing him.
"What?" He asked after I had tilted my head slightly.
I shrugged.
I used a finger to trace over his tattoo.
"This is so pretty."
"Mhm."
Josh's phone dinged, startling me.
"It's okay. It's just my phone."
I nodded.
He pulled it out and looked at it, his eyebrows furrowing.
"What?"
"I uh.. I got to go."
"What do you mean?"
"Tyler I really got to go."
"But-"
He picked me up and set me down on the bed before running out of the room, leaving me sitting there confused.

°~°

Josh has been gone all day with no notice to where he is.
I stare down at the ring he gave me and played with it.
My cheeks stained with dried tears.
The door opened and I quickly looked up hoping it was Josh.
It wasn't.
It was Dr. James.
"Hey Tyler."
"Hi?"
"Are you gonna be okay by yourself for tonight?"
"I don't know why?"
"Josh isn't gonna be able to come back tonight.. he said he might be back tomorrow but he's not sure."
"W-what happened?"
"His friend was in a car crash."
"Oh."
I wonder if it's that Brendon dude he's always talking about.
"So will you be okay?"
I shrugged.
"I'm gonna have to be."
He nodded.
"Okay if you need anything buzz someone alright?"
I nodded.
He left.
I decided to just go to sleep.

°~°

The feeling of the bed dipping and someone's arms wrapping around me wakes me up.
I hazily open my eyes to see Josh staring at me.
He pulled me closer pressing our foreheads together.
There's something wrong.
I can tell.
There's just something off about him.
I furrowed my eyebrows.
"What?... What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You're lying."
"I promise. It's nothing."
He looked away.
"No Josh. It's something.... Look at me."
He looked back at me.
"What happened?"
"It's nothing babe I promise. Everythings fine. Okay?"
"No. Josh."
I grabbed the sides of his face and examined him for a few seconds.
"Tell me. I know there's something wrong. Don't lie to me."
A single tear slid down his cheek.
"Josh." I whisper.
"He's hurt really bad Ty."
"Who? Dr. James told me someone got in a car accident but he didn't say who."
He looked up at me and sucked on his bottom lip.
"Tyler... I um.. Brendon."
"Oh Josh I'm sorry."
"I-its not your fault. Don't apologise."
"I know it's not my fault I just.. feel bad.
He nodded.
"He's my best friend."
"I know."
"He's like a brother to me."
"I know.. he-he's going to be okay though... Right?"
"I don't know."
I frowned and hugged him.
I know that Brendon is really important to Josh for whatever reason.
Josh doesn't really talk about why Brendon is so important he just talks about things they do and stuff.
"Sorry for leaving so abruptly by the way."
"It's okay."
"M'kay... He's just important to me."

"Yeah I know you told me..... But um.... Why is he so important to you?"
He seemed to freeze.
He pulled back a bit and looked at me.
"Or you don't have to answer and you can just forget I ever asked." I rushed out when I seen the look on his face.
"He was always there for me, even before I got kicked out. My parents fight a lot and A lot of the anger got let out on me so I'd always leave and Brendon would let me stay with him and tell me it was going to be okay."
"Oh."
I pulled him back into a hug.
We laid there for a while in each other's arms, not a word being spoken.