Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 67: Old Reports

I've been writing a lot again.
It's been about a month or so since I was told I could leave soon.
Josh is living in the apartment he showed me alongside the oversized gray ball of fur that is named Finn.
From what Josh has told me Finn is quite the character.
I can't wait to meet him.
Brendon is doing good now and is even back to staying at home.
I still haven't had an episode or gotten overly angry.
Sure some days I have my moods or whatever but still nothing bad enough for me to be set back.
Dr. Varrence has got me doing exercises to get me out of my comfort zone more.
Yes, they can be very frustrating and exhausting but I have been more confident, even if it's only a little bit.
I often find myself staring at the ring Josh has given me.
Whether it be in doubt of if he truly meant what he said or it be in happiness that I have him.
Overall lately I've just been doing a hell of a lot better and I'm a hell of a lot happier.

Currently me and Josh are dancing around the room and goofing off.
Josh has music playing from his phone.
The songs switched from a fun upbeat song to a slower calmer song.
Josh slowly walked up to me and bowed.
"May I have this dance?" He asked in a fancy type accent.
I laughed as he set his hand out for me to take.
I gently grabbed it.
"You may."
He pulled me close as we swayed to the soothing beat.
"Mr. Joseph I must say you are completely and utterly beautiful." He continued with his fake accent.
"Sttooppp. You sound like a rich British man.
"What that doesn't turn you on? Not even the slightest?"
"Josh!" I laughed.
He joined in with my laughter and spun me around.
"I'm serious though."
"I know. I love you."
"I love you too... So much."
Slowly and gently our lips meet in a passionate kiss.
The whole scene giving off typical romantic movie vibes.
But it's okay.
When I pulled away I rested against his chest.
Dr. Varrence ended up coming in a few seconds later.
She cooed at us as we just continued to dance.
She sat down and watched us waiting for us to finish.

Once the song was over I sat on the bed.
I took a deep breath preparing myself for today's exercise.
I know what it is and I'm dreading it.
"It's okay. Twenty minutes. That's it."
I nod.
It's just twenty minutes.
Yeah, twenty minutes in a room alone with Dr. Hawley talking about stuff I would only dare to talk to Josh about.
Why Dr. Hawley?
Because he scares me and since these exercises are supposed to get me out of my comfort zone Dr. Varrence picked him for me to talk to.
Her, Dr. James and Josh all are going to be observing from the camera room in case it gets too much for me and I do something.
They won't be able to hear what I'm saying but they can see me.
"Are you ready?"
I shook my head.
I really don't want to so I'm going to put it off for as long as I can.
Josh draped an arm over my shoulders and kissed my temple.
"I don't think I still want to do this."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to leave Josh."
"It'll be okay. I promise. He's not going to hurt you or judge you, nothing. You'll be fine."
I nod.
"Okay."
I took one last deep breath.
"I'm ready."
I don't want to keep Dr. Hawley waiting in the hall any longer.
"Okay baby. I love you."
He gave me a quick kiss then he and Dr. Varrence left, letting Dr. Hawley enter.
I got this.
It's not gonna be that bad.
I can do it.
......
I think.

°~°

Twenty minutes couldn't have gone by any slower.
The timer just went off meaning we were done.
Dr. Hawley stands up and brushes off his pants.
"You did very good Tyler."
I nodded keeping my eyes fixed on the floor to the right of my feet.
He left and Josh came in Kneeling in front of me.
I didn't look at him.
"Are you okay?"
He asked wiping my tears away.
I sat with a blank expression.
I just told the one person I fear the most things I've never told anyone, things from the deepest darkest place of my mind, things I hate to even think about yet alone talk about.
I even let him read my notebook, the new one, the one I haven't let anyone else read yet.
So no I'm not okay.
Not in the slightest.
When Josh didn't receive an answer he sighed.
"I see."
I took a deep breath, looked up at the roof and swallowed, my jaw clenching the slightest bit.
"Do you need a moment?"
I finally looked at him.
He went to stand up to leave but I desperately grabbed his arm.
He looked back at me.
"Don't go. I-I.. I'm okay. Just.. don't leave."
"..okay. are you sure your okay?"
"No... I lied I'm not okay but I need you to stay. I need you here with me... I just need you right now."
He nodded, showing a look of concern.

"If it was too much for you, you could have told us and we could have stopped or switched Dr. Hawley for someone else."
"No Dr. Hawley was okay.. I-I just don't like talking about that stuff."
"I see... Must be something pretty bad then?"
"I'll tell you... One day.. not today... But one day I'll tell you."
"You don't have to."
"I know."
He sat down on the bed next to me.
I laid my head on his lap and decided to take a nap.

THIRD PERSON VIEW ~

"I seriously feel bad for the kid."
"So do I."
"Some of those things he wrote we're very powerful."
Dr. James sighed.
"He's a good kid though, at times, when he's not trying to choke you to death."
Dr. Hawley let out a single laugh/snort.
"He is though... He's very wise."
Dr. James nodded.
Dr. Hawley was filling out some reports while Dr. James was examining old reports that needed to be updated.
"Hey look at this."
Dr. James handed Dr. Hawley a old report on Tyler.
One from when Tyler first arrived, one that his first therapist, Dr. Frank, had filled out.

Name: Tyler Joseph.
Age: 17
Date: September 5th 2015
Visit number: 12
Mood: oddly calm
Notes: -Joseph has been staring at the wall for twenty minutes.
-Odd behavior.
-Having conversations with himself??
- Ignoring my presence.
- staring at me.
- Drastic change in mood.
- very violent behavior.

The last point sparked concern in Dr. Hawley.

- taken Care of.

"I've never seen this report before."
"Me either."
"Hmm.... Weird."

TYLER'S VIEW ~

I woke up to Dr. James and Dr. Hawley coming into the room.
I stared at them questionably.
Dr. James handed me a piece of paper.
"Do you remember this day?"
I read over the report.
"Yes I remember."
"Can you please explain what happened?"
"Um.... No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to...... I'm not allowed to." I whispered the last part.
"Why aren't you allowed to?"
"B-because... Dr. Frank said I'm not allowed to."
"Why did he say that? What happened Tyler?"
"I can't tell you."
"Why not?"
"Because."
"Tyler? What's going on?" Josh asked, waking up.
"Tyler this is serious. We need you to tell us what happened."
"No! Please no. I can't please stop asking please."
"Tyler... Did he hurt you?"
I stayed quiet.
"Tyler?"
"Yes." I started to cry.
"Okay. What happened? Why did he hurt you?"
"I-i was having an episode a-and I was mad then he got mad and started hitting me and he threw me on the ground. B-before he left he told me I'm not allowed to tell anyone because if I did he'd hurt me again."
"Is that why you always acted up when it was time for your therapy session with him?"
I nodded.
"I-i didn't want him to hurt me again."
"But you could have easily hurt him back."
"I know... I did..."
"What do you mean?"
"Well.. the day before he left I hurt him... Badly.. that's why he left."
"Oh."
The room went silent.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"It's okay Tyler."
"I hate the things I've done."
"Well their in the past, forget about them."
I nodded.
"I'm going to go to sleep."
"You just woke up though."
"Well there's nothing else to do so."
"We can talk if you want."
"Just me and you?"
"Just me and you."
I nodded.