Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 62: That's All I Want

It's been a few days since I had surgery.
I've been writing a lot.
I'm going to need a new note book soon.
I only have a few pages left.
I'm sitting on Josh's stomach currently.
I'm writing right now while he stares at me contently.
"Josh?"
"Hmm?"
"I need a new notebook soon this one's almost full."
"Already?"
I nod and get back to writing.
"Okay well why don't you let me up and I'll go ask Dr. James if he has another one for you?"
I look up at him again.
"Not right now."
"Why not?"
I side my notebook to the side and pull on his shirt til he sits up.
I kiss him then rest my forehead on his shoulder.
"I want to talk."
"About what?"
He gently wrapped his arms around me.
"My brain is so loud lately."
"....okay..."
"It won't be quiet. it keeps demanding things."
"What type of things?"
"Bad things." I whisper.
".. Tyler."
"Things that could hurt me.... And things that could hurt others."
He kissed the side of my head, letting his lips linger there for a few seconds.
"It's okay. Don't listen to it okay?"
"But it's so loud."
"I know baby, I know."
"It's almost like a craving."
"Is it?"
I nod.
He sighed.
"Ty look at me."
I shook my head.
I don't want to.
"Tyler please."
I take a shaky breath.
He sighed again.

"What can I do to help?"
"I don't know.... distract me."
"By doing what?"
"I don't care."
"Why don't you go have a shower? You haven't had one in a couple days."
"Are you trying to tell me I stink without being mean?" I laughed.
He chuckled.
"Come on I'll take you to the showers."
"Okay."
I stand up and follow him out of the room.
Once In the shower room I strip right in front of Josh just to tease him.
I covered myself though.
He stared at me and bit his lip.
I smirked and went really close to his ear.
"Is Joshie getting a little... Excited?"
I heard him swallow as he tried to keep his eyes anywhere but me.
I laughed and hopped into a shower stall.
When I was done in the shower I turned it off and went to grab my towel when I realized I didn't have one.
"Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"... Can you get me a towel?"
"Yeah I'll be right back."
A few seconds passed before he passed me one.
"Thank you."
"Your welcome."
I dried off in the shower stall then wrapped the towel around my waist.
Josh stared at me while I walked over to him to get dressed.
My clothes were by him.
"Josh..."
"Yes?" He breathed as I was now standing directly in front of him.
"Um.. can we do something?"
"Believe me I want to."
"Please?"
"Tyler..."
He looked up at the ceiling.

"Dr. James said if he catches us again I wont be allowed to stay here over night anymore."
"He doesn't have to know."
He stared at me for a few seconds before shaking his head and looking at the ground.

JOSH'S VIEW ~

This boy is making me crazy.
I want to.
I want to touch him so bad.
But I can't risk anything.
I look up to see Tyler nod slightly and go about getting dressed.
I eye him as he picks up his shirt.
Fuck it.
I grab him and pin him against the wall, kissing him hungrily.
His breath hitched as I did so.
I held his wrists above his head with one hand the other on his lower back pulling his lower half toward me.
He moaned.
I moved my lips to his neck, sucking a dark hickey there.
"I.. thought.. you.. didn't.. want to..touch me." Tyler said through heavy breaths.
"Shut up."
I trailed kissing up to his ear.
"Who said I was touching you?" I panted.
He whined, trying to get his hands out of my grip.
I sucked another hickey on to his neck.
"Please Joshie."
He whined.
I placed a quick kiss to his lips then stared him directly in the eye.
"No. Get dressed."
I let his wrists go and walked away.
Fuck.
I more then anything want to.
But someone could come in.
Like I said, I can't risk anything.

TYLER'S VIEW ~

I watch Josh walk away then pushed myself off the wall and pulled on my clothes.
I slowly walk into the hall to see Josh leaning his head against the wall.
It looked like he was having an internal battle with himself.
He looked at me.
I looked at the floor then back at him.
He walked over to me and grabbed my hand, leading me down the hall.
When we stopped we were at Dr. James' office.
"Hel-"
"Tyler needs a new note book."
"..okay.."
He rummaged around his desk before handing Josh a black notebook.
"Anything else?"
"Your probably not going to like this but..."
He turned to look at me.
"You see this boy right here."
He pulled me forward a bit.
"Yes."
"Well.. he's the most beautiful boy I've ever met and I'm extremely grateful that I can call him mine but... I want more."
"What are you saying Josh?"
"I want to be able to touch him and be intimate with him without losing the privilege of being with him."
"Josh." I whisper, trying to get him to stop before he gets in trouble.
"No Tyler. I know all the times I tell you no, you get disappointed but I'm just as disappointed. I want to so bad baby but I don't want to risk not being able to see you. It makes me feel horrible when you bug me to do something but I can't."
I look at Dr. James who looks at my neck.
"It seems you two have already been 'intimate' as you say."
"I gave him hickeys so what that's nothing."
I flushed red.
Dr. James sighed.
"If you guys want to do something it'll have to wait until Tyler's better and can leave."
"Tell me Dr. James.. how often do yo-"
"Josh!"
"Well."
"Just drop it Josh. I'm sorry. I'll stop bugging you. I promise. But you can't sit here and yell at Dr. James because I'm a needy little shit okay? It's out of our control. I'll stop."
"But Tyl-"
I shook my head.
"No Josh. Your just going to get yourself in trouble. Take me back to the room."
He sighed.
"Tyler..."
I looked over at Dr. James.
"I'm sorry guys. It's just not appropriate for here."
Josh nodded and licked his lips.

"Take me back to the room please."
He nodded and grabbed my hand, practically dragging me down the hall.
When he got into the room he let my hand go, throwing the new notebook onto the bed.
"Come here Josh."
I say walking over to the camera.
"What?"
"Just come here."
He slowly walked over.
"Lift me up."
"...okay.."
He picked me up I grabbed onto the wires connected to the camera and pulled them all out, angling the camera at the door just to be safe.
"Why did you do that?"
He asked putting me back on the ground.
"Because I wanted to."
I looked at the floor.
The next thing I know Josh is pushing me back against the wall, putting his hands under my thighs and wrapping my legs around his waist.
I kissed him, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"We can't do anything though."
He pulled back to look at me.
"Then why did you do that to the camera."
"Because I don't like having the camera in here."
He nodded.
"Can we go lay down? I'm tired."
"Yeah come on."
He set me down.
I follow him to the bed and curl up next to him.
"I love you Josh. I really do."
"I love you too Tyler. So much."
"I'm going to get out of here."
"You are?"
"Yes. I promise. No more mishaps."
"Don't promise things like that cause you don't know if you'll be able to control yourself."
"I can. Trust me."
"..okay."
"I want to leave. So I'm going to leave. It'll be hard but... I can do it."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"Okay."
He kissed the top of my head.
I draped an arm over his chest and closed my eyes.
This is serious.
I can't keep acting the way I do.
I need to start being more mature.
I don't want my life to consist of only of this hospital.
I want to enjoy it, with Josh and be happy.
I want to grow old with him and have tons of memories of us having fun.
Maybe even adopt a kid.
I just want to live my life with the one I love.
That's all I want.