Undefined (Book #1 Joshler)

CHAPTER 46: He's Not Real

I'm currently laying in bed staring at the ceiling.
I wish Josh was here.
He's at work though.
I have a bad headache and I want pain killers but I don't want to get up cause it hurts when I move.
I'll just have to wait for Dr. Varrence to come I guess.
I sigh and lay my arm over my eyes.

About an hour passes before Dr. Varrence comes in.
"Hey Tyler."
"Hi." I answered dully.
"You okay?"
"I got a headache. Can you get me some pain killers or something?"
"Yes of course I'll be right back."
"Thank you."
She left the room, coming back a few minutes later and handing me a glass of water and a pain killer.
I thanked her again and took it.
"So Tyler how has blurry been today?"
"Quiet, thankfully."
"Well that's good."
"Yeah.. I guess."
"You guess?"
I shrugged.
"Want to talk about whatever's on your mind?"
"I dunno."
"Do you or don't you?"
"I just... I wish I wasn't like this. I hate it. I hate being here. I hate taking the medication and I hate not being able to doing anything. I hate myself for being like this."
"It's not your fault Tyler."
I sighed.
"I know. I just hate it."
"I know you do Tyler."
"Can I be honest with you?"
"Yes."
"remember the time where I.. Self harmed?"
"Yes."
"Well I kinda wish you would have left me, like there's a part of me that just wishes you didn't get here in time. But then there's also a part of me that wishes you got here sooner and stopped me from doing it all together."
"Tyler-"
"Like I want to die but I also don't and... I don't know."
"I don't want you to die and neither does Josh or your parents or siblings... We all need you here."
"No you don't all I do is make peoples lives harder then they already are."
"That's not true Tyler."
"Yes it is. If I wasn't here none of you would have to put up with me, no one would have to deal with my episodes or mood swings and no one would be constantly worrying if I'm okay or if I'm going to have an episode. No one would have to step on egg shells around me, they wouldn't have to worry about what their saying or doing because their scared they'll set me off or something. Everyone would be better off without me."
I started crying.

"Josh wouldn't."
"What?"
"Josh. He wouldn't be better off without you. He needs you just as much as you need him. He loves you so much and I wouldn't be better off without you either, I love talking to you. Your such a great kid Tyler. If anything peoples lives are better with you in it."
"That's not what blurry says."
"Don't listen to blurry Tyler he doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't trust him."
"But.."
"But what?"
"I don't know. He's just constantly telling me everyone would be happier with me out of the picture."
"Well he's lying."
'I AM NOT!'
"Here we go." I mumbled.
"What?"
"Blurry. He's talking."
"Oh.."
'DON'T LISTEN TO DR. VARRENCE TYLER. YOU CAN'T TRUST HER.'
'how can't I trust her? How do I know that she's not telling the truth? What if your the one that's lying?'
'WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE? SOME RANDOM LADY OR ME, YOUR PAL, I'VE BEEN WITH YOU SINCE YOU WERE A KID TYLER YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.'
'but I don't want to.'
'WHY NOT?!'
'because I don't want to believe the things you say are true.'
'WELL THEY ARE.'
"Blurry says that your the one that's lying to me not him."
"I'm not lying to you Tyler. I promise."
I exhaled shakily.
'YES SHE IS!'
"Blurry still says you are."
"I'm not. He is."
'TYLER LISTEN TO ME I'M THE ONE WHO'S TELLING THE TRUTH!'
"He says he's telling the truth."
"He's not."
'I AM!!!!'
I gripped my hair.
I'm so confused.
I don't know who I'm suppose to believe.
I feel like I'm a rope in a game of tug-a-war getting pulled both ways but neither of the people pulling are winning, I'm just stuck in the middle getting yanked back and forth.
"Tyler listen to me okay? Your needed in this world. We need you. Don't. listen to what blurry says."
'NO TYLER! YOUR NOT NEEDED ANYWHERE! NO ONE NEEDS YOU! DON'T LISTEN TO HER!!!'
"STOP IT!!!!" I screeched, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Tyler there's no need to scream."
"Yes there is! You don't understand."
"What don't I understand?"
"I don't know what to do. I don't know who to believe and I feel like I'm being ripped in half because every time you say I should believe you blurry yells at me saying to believe him and it's just constant back and forth. I can't take it!"
"Shh Tyler it's okay."
"It's not okay! I want to believe you I really do but I can't! I can't believe either of you because I can't figure out who's really telling the truth! I'm just so confused."
"It's okay to be confused. You just have to figure out who you want to trust."
"That's the thing. I can't. I can't trust you cause blurry says your lying but I can't trust blurry cause you say he's lying."
"I see."
'TRUST ME! TYLER I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! I ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH! REMEMBER IN SCHOOL WHEN I TOLD YOU THE KIDS HATED YOU I WAS RIGHT. YOUR MOM WAS THE ONE WHO LIED TO YOU BY TELLING YOU THEY DIDN'T'
'yeah but Dr. Varrence wouldn't lie to me... Would she?'
'YES SHE WOULD CAUSE SHE'S DOING IT RIGHT NOW!'
"Blurrys telling me to trust him."
"I don't think that would be a good choice."
'IT IS A GOOD CHOICE!!! SHE'S LYING TO YOU TYLER!'
"He says it is a good choice."
"It's not Tyler. I promise you it's not. You can't trust him."
'YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME!!'
A sob fell from my lips as fresh tears fell.

"Tyler... Do you want to know how I know blurrys lying?"
"How?"
"Because blurry isn't real Tyler. He's just a figment of your imagination."
"N-no he's not I promise he's not he's real. He's real."
"He's not."
'I AM!!'
"Dr. James said the same thing to me when I first got here.... But I know He's real cause if he wasn't why do I still hear him and see him?"
"Wait you can see blurry?"
"Sometimes.. When he's really mad... Remember when he killed Josh?"
"Yes but that was only a hallucination."
"B-but.."
"But what?"
"I don't know. I'm just more confused now." I cried.

"Okay Tyler I think were going to be done for the day. This is obviously too much for you right now."
I shook my head no.
I need to know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
"Please. I-i."
"You what?"
"I don't know!"
I wiped the tears off my cheeks.
"I need a hug."
"Do you want me to give you a hug?"
I nodded.
Dr. Varrence stood up, as did I and she gently wrapped her arms around me.
I drew in a shaky breath and leaned my forehead on her shoulder.
"Your okay." she soothed while rubbing my back.
'YOUR NOT OKAY!!'
"I'm not okay."
"Well that's okay too."
"I miss my family."
"Want me to call them?"
"Yes. I want them to come here."
"Okay I'll see if they'll come for visiting hours."
"Okay.... Not yet though."
"Why not?"
I leaned into her more.
"Oh. I see."
We stood there for a few minutes before I finally pulled back.
"You okay?"
I nodded although I'm not sure if I am.