Janet.
It was back to the tour and things were smooth. Shawn and I were full of bliss since the cabin. Gil and I haven't talked yet, but we will, when I'm ready.
Today, I wanted to apologize to The Kids as a whole. I've been distant with them since I got with Shawn, especially my girls. I didn't like sharing my space and time with Shawn and because of that, I unintentionally pushed them away.
Right after practice for the show, I huddled everybody up. I offered them a seat on the stage with me and we all ended up sitting in a big circle.
Tyce had a ball which sparked an idea. "Throw that." I said with my hands open to him. He smiled and threw the ball my way.
"Hey guys. I gathered us because I feel like I owe you all an apology." I said. "I wanted to try something with this ball, it seems a little kindergarten, but basically whoever has the ball can tell me how they feel specifically about me." I said as everyone agreed.
I threw the ball right back to Tyce. "Ah, J. I don't know." He sighed. I could tell he was holding back. We were close at one point but Rene grew jealous and I distanced myself from him.
"Go ahead, Ty. I'm all ears."
He played with the ball a while before looking up at me. "I miss us. You were the sister I never had, then one day, you were gone. I don't care to bring up the reasons in front of everyone, but I want us back. I want my sister back." He said.
He threw the ball back and wiped a stray tear. I got up and hugged him. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to shut you out. I love you." I said feeling tears of my own run down my cheek.
We released the hug and sat back down before I threw the ball to Kelly, who's been very quiet with me lately.
"Go, Kinks."
Before she even spoke, she was tearing up. "I lost my child. David and I, we were trying and I got pregnant." She said as her voice broke. "Right before you announced tour, I was going to tell you, but you seemed so caught up in something I thought it was best to keep myself off your plate."
"Kel." I whispered.
"I lost it two months after. Her. I lost her two months after. We had a name, we were knees deep in clothes then shit went left. I missed being able to talk to you. You were one of the only people who understood me, then you kinda just... left." She said before chuckling, "Ugh, I'm being sappy."
"No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to walk out your life so nonchalantly. I miss you, Kel. If we can, I want to be your go-go dancer again." I chuckled.
"Of course." She laughed as we hugged.
We sat back and she threw the ball to me. Before I threw it to the next person, "What was her name?" I asked Kelly.
"Kiyoko Jo Mitchell."
"Jo?" I pouted.
"I love you." Was all she answered me with.
I fanned my eyes. She named her daughter after me and I wasn't even there to hold her hand through the miscarriage. It stung, but this group session wasn't so I could beat myself up about anything, it was to clear the air.
We kept passing the ball around, Mike got it. Nikki got it. Rob got it. Teresa got it. I threw it to Tina, who I definitely know I fell off with. Ever since Shawn and I got together, I try not to, but I get jealous when she and Shawn show platonic affection.
"This is very awkward." She chuckled. "Well, I think what I can say is, I love you. I know why you've put some distance between our relationship, and it's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. I wish you would've talked to me about it, but.." She shrugged as she held her head down.
I looked in Shawn's direction and she looked guilty. She obviously told Tina about her and I's relationship, which I'm not mad about, but it could've been a conversation.
"I'm sorry. That was my bad and I should've trusted you more." I said.
"It's okay, J." She said.
I knew her words weren't genuine, but I'd talk to her another time about it all. I didn't want to get too into in front of everybody.
"I love you, too, T. I always will, please never forget that. Okay?"
She smiled and nodded. She threw the ball back and I looked around. It was either Shawn, Gil, or Tish.
I threw it to Shawn.
"I have no problem with you, boo. I apologize for my scene last week, but it won't happen again. Even though, I enjoyed playing in the snow." She smirked.
Everyone laughed. This group cannot stay serious for anything, but they're my family and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
She tossed the ball back, and I threw it right to Gil. "Aw, come on, boo." Tish groaned. "You always save me for last."
"What if it's because I love you the most." I hinted to her.
All the other kids were quick to defend themselves. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding." I laughed.
"Yeah. yeah. Go on, Gilly." Tish said.
"Queen." He started. "I want to apologize for blaming you for a lot of things you have no control over. I know you try your best with everything you do, and it shouldn't be my place to judge you. We are letting crazy shit break us up. I don't want that."
"Me either, and I'm sorry for always snapping at you, boo. Sometimes, everything piles up and I take it out on you. I guess because I know you are always there."
"I always will be." He said.
"I will always want to be." I said before getting up and hugging him. The Kids cheered and jumped in on the hug.
"Wait, wait. Tish, your go." I said as we all hugged.
"I'm leaving." She said instantly cutting the extra laughter and chatter amongst the group.
"What?"
She fiddled with her fingers and was quiet. Tish was never quiet, she was the loud and jumpy one.
"I've decided to move on. I want be a doctor, I want to go back to school. You guys know my upbringing wasn't the best and I feel like I've grown enough and have enough to go back. I'm really ready for this, guys." She said all in one breath.
I turned to her. "We'll support you. You're our girl, we got you." I told her.
She smirked and looked around. "I love you fools." She said initiating another group hug.
"I love you." I said to everyone.
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