Shawn.
I was pacing around the runway waiting for Janet. She's ten minutes late and the only reason they are waiting for us is because she is Janet Jackson.
"Shawn, I'm here." I heard a voice say, her voice say. I turned around and saw her running with Gil dragging her bags behind her. "I'm here, sorry."
I rolled my eyes and got on the plane ahead of her. She's lucky I rented the plane for just us, or a commercial would've been left her ass.
I watched as she came up the runway and onto the plane. The pilot greeted her and assured a safe flight. She was all laughs and smiles until she came over to me, then it was a pout.
"Baby, I'm sorry." She said sitting beside me.
I looked at her. "No more sorrys, remember?" I spat. "Why did you leave and where did you go?"
"We went across the country and—"
"Okay, but where?!"
Janet.
I was stunned by the way she rose her voice at me. I sat back and gave her her space. "Shawn, there are just some things I cannot share with you." I sighed.
"Cannot share? Janet where is this all coming from? We spent a weekend assuring the slate was clean and there was no secrets. You not being able to share is the equivalent for a secret, babe."
I interlocked her fingers with mine. "I am in love with you." I said. "Madly."
She instantly softened. "I'm in love with you, too, but I need to know what goes on with my girl. I don't want to hear from somebody else."
"Shawn, I— I just can't. It's legal matters."
I could see her shut down in her eyes. She let go of my hand and just went to sleep. I sighed and laid across the couch with my head on her lap.
Before I knew it, I was dreaming. Dreaming of Shai...
"We cannot do this. Rene and I are happy, very happy. I promised my first would be his." I said trying to convince an abortion.
He shook his head as he paced the living the room. "Am I just supposed to let you abort my child, Jo? Is that what you're asking me? That's my first."
I stood up and stopped him in his tracks, "Well if not that then what? I have to do this. I am so sorry." I cried.
I didn't want to abort my baby. Our baby. But I'm in a committed relationship and I don't want to ruin it. Not when I believe Rene is the one.
"I love you, Tip, but please, let me go. This has to be the end of us." I pleaded.
He nodded silently before walking away.
Days later, I held a meeting. Gil, Eliza, Joey, myself, and Tina. I told them about the baby and how it wasn't Rene's. It was Q-Tip's.
Of course, I was scolded but after, we needed a game plan. Liza, at the time, was my head manager. She was in charge of everything relating me. Joey's the head of my security and needed to make sure everything went off without a hitch. Tina and Gil were emotional support.
We talked for days, weeks even. "So, what's the decision?" Liza asked me after we had gone through every possible option and solution for what I got myself into.
"I keep the baby, but we tell no one."
Deciding to keep Shai was the best decision of my life, but it came with its hardships. I stopped appearances after I was 5 months, was exercising ridiculously to make sure my weight didn't skyrocket and give it away. I was induced at 7 and a half months to be able to get back to work.
I never told Tip that I kept the baby. I never told Rene that I had the baby. Tip thinks I aborted his baby, but we've talked about it and he forgave me and told me that he understood. Rene thought it was his and was devastated when we faked a miscarriage.
The stress from that caused our break up. He couldn't handle it and I had to distance myself to actually have Shai and send him off.
Shai was put up for adoption the second he was born. Liza said I couldn't be emotionally attached and that that would help. After about 5 months, the guilt was eating me alive.
Liza said she would do be the biggest favor one could ever ask. She quit her job with me and just disappeared. I didn't get it until about a month later when she went me a picture of her with a baby.
It stated: "I will watch over him. I got you, J. We're on the east coast. Visit whenever you want, if you want."
She left her job to go live a normal life and adopt my baby. She saw my guilt and took it into her own hands, and that is something I will always love her for.
After the NDAs were sent out to everyone who knew including friends and doctors, I returned to my life as normal. I continued The Velvet Rope album and that was that. I had to pretend as if nothing happened.
I woke up covered in sweat. My life felt like a horror movie; lying to the two men I loved with every being in my body, lying to my girlfriend about the biggest thing in my life, lying about my baby to the world, letting Liza take on my baggage, the NDAs, everything.
"Hey, hey, hey." Shawn said when she woke up from hearing me start to hyperventilate. "What's the matter, J? What's wrong?" She asked.
"I—I.. I feel horrible." I stuttered.
"Horrible how? Sick?"
I just dropped my head into her lap and cried. She didn't hesitate holding me and soothing me. "It'll be okay, baby. I got you. I got you." She said as she rocked me.
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